Listen to the audio version of this post here.

Are You Asking them or Telling them?

She didn’t ask for my coaching, so of course I didn’t offer it. I sure wanted to, though!

I had a chance to tour a beautiful new apartment building. My guide was a young woman whose job depends on people like me saying, “Yes! I love it. When can I move in?”

It wasn’t the only reason I won’t be moving there, of course. But the way she talked sure did make an impression. Not a positive one.

Everything she said sounded like she was asking me instead of telling me. You know, with that questioning tone at the end of each sentence. Linguists call it the high-rising terminal. I call it annoying.

That high-pitched, repetitive rhythm was one reason her descriptions of apartments and explanations of policies sounded so phony—like she’s been through this spiel dozens of times and is braced for dozens more.

Even though she wasn’t looking for any coaching, she reminded me of the many women—and some men, too—who’ve brought a similar situation to our work together.

Women like this one …

“I want,” she said, “to sound and feel more confident when I’m speaking in person and on Zoom. Especially when I’m introducing myself and explaining what I do.”

You know I don’t pretend to be a mindset coach, although people often do change their mindset during our work together. You might even say I’m more of a body-set coach.

It seems clear to me that one good path to a new way of thinking and feeling is through the body.  And it starts, of all places, with the feet.

As I do with so many people, I suggested that this woman uncross her legs and put both feet flat on the floor. Then center her bottom on the chair, sitting close enough to the front of the chair that her feet could comfortably stay where she’d put them.

And balance her weight evenly on both sit bones, so she’s not shifting or leaning to one side or the other. (You might want to try this yourself, now, as you read this.)

With a straight spine, she dropped her shoulders, so her shoulder blades were back and down, and her chest was open and expansive.

Her hands—and yours too—belong on the arms of the chair, or on the desk or table, or resting loosely on the thighs. And they’re apart, not clasped together demurely in your lap, in that classic good girl pose.

The neck is straight, crown of the head toward the ceiling, as if there were a hook there, and a string pulling you up.

If you’ve been doing this along with my client and me, you may already feel lighter, yet more grounded. Open, and at the same time, more solid. Comfortably taking up space, without encroaching on anyone else’s. And yes, confident.

Isn’t it interesting how our inner feeling can change when we shift our outward demeanor?

The same thing works when you’re standing up, say, to speak at a meeting. Plant your feet, hip-distance apart.

And don’t even think about wrapping one leg around the other the way some young women do, crossing their ankles so they’re wobbling on a too-small base, sort of shaped like a bowling pin.

Stand up straight, with your shoulders back and down, your chest open, your neck straight, facing the room. Allow yourself to breathe fully and deeply. Feel your ribcage expand, your side-body and even your back moving gently in and out.

Whether we’re standing or sitting, that breath from the belly supports a strong voice.

Practicing it now, you might realize how often your breathing is shallower, more constricted. That tightness produces a thin, tinny voice, lacking the depth and richness you could access.

We’ve been breathing our whole lives, right? We certainly know how to breathe. And yet, when we begin to take in the air and let it back out with some attention, some awareness, everything can change.

Breathing this way, we naturally, comfortably produce a different sound. A new voice emerges. A richer, fuller voice that conveys more confidence, more comfort, more power.

Of course, when it comes to sounding confident, it’s not only the tone and volume of our voice that make a difference.

The language we use has enormous impact on how people perceive us. It can even shift the way we perceive ourselves! We’ll tackle that another time. For now, come back to this coaching session with me.

My client began to change before my eyes—and ears.

As she adopted this more grounded, centered posture, she naturally occupied more space. Instead of folding in on herself, seeming small and insignificant … right there in my dining room chair, she grew in perceived stature and significance.

No, of course, her physical height and weight didn’t change. The shift was energetic. And that energy showed.

If the apartment manager were with me, I’d give her the same sort of homework as my client (and you might want to take this on yourself).

The aim is to experiment with this new way of showing up. To notice how she feels inside when she plants herself firmly and fills up her space. To listen to herself speaking with a fuller voice. And to observe how others respond to her too.

I’d be curious about her observations. And yours. Tell us with a comment below.