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Ask for help.
DIY is all the rage, and has been for a good long while. There certainly are some things that are fun to do ourselves.
And then sometimes, DIWO makes more sense. You know, Do It With (help from) Others.
The thing is, many of us find it excruciatingly difficult to ask those others for that help.
We grew up in a culture steeped in SELF-help, didn’t we? We’re supposed to be able to figure things out for ourselves, do the work by ourselves, and accomplish our goals by ourselves.
And some of us are so averse to asking for help, we would rather give up the quest for success than look for a boost. If we can’t do it alone, we just don’t do it.
That is a mistake.
Angela Duckworth wrote a whole book about the grit that helps individuals achieve their goals. And yet, she says really successful people are the ones who let go of that need to go it alone.
“Without exception,” Duckworth says, “Every high performer I’ve studied credits a host of supporters for success. Research has found that a willingness to ask for help is crucial to achievement.”
Well, I must be poised for big success.
I’ve never been enthusiastic about asking for help. In fact, I’ve hated it!
Maybe like you, I grew up with that whole self-reliance schtick. You know, if you run into a snag, you simply put your shoulder to the grindstone, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and soldier on.
No amount of grindstone, bootstraps, or soldiering could have gotten me though this summer. I had to have some serious help!
And I was lucky enough to get it.
First project: Pack up 42-years-worth of household belongings.
Well, some of it didn’t get packed. It got gifted to a friend or donated to groups that could use it or just hauled out to the alley. The point was, it had to be out of the house I’d lived in for all those years.
Between my physical limitations and the emotional attachment to so much of that stuff, emptying my home was no easy task.
Lucky for me, family and friends pitched in. My sister Rebecca devoted time and energy to packing and schlepping. Carol and Carolyn and Karen and Kelly and Kathleen offered help … and instead of saying, “Oh no, I can do it,” I actually took them up on it!
Each of them worked with me on a room, a closet, or a crawlspace. Putting some precious belongings in boxes to move and piling up the rest to get rid of. And, crucially, helping me decide which was which!
Carolyn was ruthless with my wardrobe. No, Catherine, you can’t keep that top that’s two sizes too big and it’s been out of fashion for at least eight years. That’s why we have a donate pile.
Miraculously, we got all those possessions boxed up and ready for the movers.
If packing is bad (and it is!) UNpacking is worse.
Holy moly, finding a place to put everything I brought with me was daunting. In fact, it was impossible.
Some of those things I was sure I needed made the move to Skokie and then wound up being given away. It just wouldn’t all fit in my new home. And do I really need three Bundt pans and four Pyrex casserole dishes?
Once again, family and friends came to my rescue. My blessed sister was on it. Both of my nephews and two of my nieces were here to help. Tall and strong were real assets for this project.
The girlfriend brigade helped me figure out what went in which cabinet, how to organize my closets, and what had to be stashed in the storage locker for occasional use. (That locker upstairs is loaded with Christmas paraphernalia, luggage, and the electric skillet I absolutely have to have—once a year.)
I couldn’t have done it by myself.
I mean that quite literally. This move was only possible because of all the help I had. I am beyond grateful to the people who got me settled in my new home and ready for a whole new phase of my life.
It was a challenge to get over my fear of being a burden. I was afraid I was asking too much, alert for signs that someone thought I was a PITA.
Those signs never materialized. In fact, the people who helped me with this move continue to check in, to see how things are going and what else I might need.
Which tells me that Dr. Duckworth was right about the value of asking for help. And about the impact of being asked.
She points to research that “shows we consistently underestimate how happy it makes others to lend a hand.”
Maybe I need to ask for help more often. And maybe you do, too.
Ponder for a moment. In your business or personal life, what do you need help with? And who will you ask to help you?
