Listen to the audio version of this post here.
Be polite to be happy.
You’ve no doubt noticed that people are a lot less polite than they used to be. Heck, maybe you’re a lot less polite than you used to be.
You wouldn’t be alone by any means. We’re surrounded by online trolls, hostile drivers, and people who never say please. Or thank you. And yes, we might be turning into those people ourselves.
Here’s the thing. We pay a price for rudeness, and not just the rudeness directed at us. No, our own rudeness toward others costs us something too.
I got to thinking about this when I read a piece by Arthur C. Brooks. He’s a social scientist, Harvard professor, and author who writes about how we can be happy. His column in The Atlantic is called “How to Build a Life.” And he says one way to build a happy life is to be polite.
Brooks acknowledges that “Being courteous can be challenging in these fractious times,” but he says, “Politeness is much better for your well-being.”
Sometimes it feels satisfying to be rude, doesn’t it?
Like when that guy cuts you off on the expressway.
Or when you’ve gone through four layers of robots to get to a human at the bank, and then they say they can’t help you.
Or you wait in line forever to pay for your groceries…and then just when you get ready to put your purchases on the conveyor belt, they put out that sign that says “Next Lane.” Aargh.
It’s enough to make anyone blow a fuse. Or is it?
It can be really satisfying to let someone have it when we feel aggrieved. Especially now that so much of life is online and so much of that is frustrating. And half the time you’re dealing with a bot anyway.
Why not just let them have it?
Because it’s better for you not to.
It’s so tempting, when we feel disrespected or dismissed, to respond in kind. But it really doesn’t make us feel better. As Brooks says, “Being impolite is more like scratching at your poison-ivy rash. Giving in to the urge makes things worse.”
When we become less polite, the research shows that change in our own conduct can make us less happy, more depressed, and generally angrier about life.
And get this. Even rudeness to a robot can cast a shadow over us. Snap at Siri or put Perplexity down, and you lower your own sense of well-being, according to The Journal of Positive Psychology.
Me? I’m polite most of the time.
I say “please” and “thank you.” I greet people by name in emails and sign my own name—I try not to be terse. I smile warmly at Whole Foods cashiers and Walgreens pharmacists as we take care of business. I even find myself thanking ChatGPT for its help.
Where I run into a challenge is driving. People are so … well, you know how they are. You drive too. And I’m sure you’re not the guy who cut me off on the Kennedy the other day.
I’ve been known to say things in the car that I’d never say to someone in person. And there’s that middle finger …
Want to join me in turning over a new leaf?
Here are three suggestions from Arthur C. Brooks for increasing our sense of well-being with more politeness.
“Make courtesy a habit, even when other humans are not involved.”
Yes, he’s serious. Be polite to that AI, not because it especially cares about manners but because it’s better for your own state of mind.
“Renounce snark, whether you’re witnessing it or using it yourself.”
You know how you might snicker when somebody lets someone else have it? Mockery is a huge part of our culture online, on TV and podcasts… and in real life. And yes, sometimes it’s funny!
Maybe we can find our humor somewhere else at less cost to our own sense of well-being.
“Respond to rudeness not with rudeness, but with courtesy.”
This is a tough one, isn’t it? It’s where I run into trouble with the driver who cut in front of me, or the one behind me honking as if I can do anything about the traffic jam we’re in.
Brooks acknowledges he sometimes needs to respond to a rude remark or a mean online comment. And, he says, “I try to see it as an opportunity to improve my well-being by responding with courtesy and dignity.”
Seems like a challenge, but he assures us it becomes easier with practice. And he says he’s never sorry for passing up a chance to reply with some kind of nasty zinger.
I believe him on that score. I know from my own experience that it feels better not to engage in a big back-and-forth rudeness rally.
What do you say? Are you in?
I’m going to pay particular attention to my impulse for snark and see what happens when I pass on the opportunity.
And I’ll look forward to what you have to say in the comments here; because of course I know it will positive! 😉
I agree with this and love your posts, Catherine! However, I recently learned that,
while seemingly trivial, saying “please” and “thank you” to AI models like ChatGPT can contribute to a measurable increase in energy consumption. This is because these models operate on large language models that require significant computational power, and even adding a few extra words to a prompt increases the processing required, thus consuming more energy. It’s hard for me not to thank Siri and ChatGPT but after learning this, I’ve stopped. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and also entertaining us with your beautiful voice!
That’s interesting, Cathie–I hadn’t thought about the environmental consequences of politeness!
Hi Catherine! May God’s peace be with us all!
I’m all for that, Frankie!
Yes, Catherine! This is exactly what I’ve found also. It truly matters what emotional state we function from. As humans, we have the power to shift our emotional state, no matter what circumstances we are facing. When big emotions hit us, we can give ourselves 90 seconds of grace, allowing the emotion to flow through us, and then we get to DECIDE how to show up. This is a much better way of living than “stacking” all the negative emotions. As we take time to be grateful, we can live from that state, opening doors for one another, saying “Please” and “Thank You,” cherishing every moment of human interaction. Let’s choose the high road, and watch how it impacts those around us!
It does indeed matter what state we’re in as we go through our day–and our life! Your suggestion about choosing the high road gave me a bit of pause, though. I thought about Michelle Obama saying “When they go low, we go high.” Turns out trying to go high meant her “we” got clobbered. It’s no wonder people ponder the power of going low.
When I get angry driving I remind myself that the driver I am angry with might have a gun in the car. Gets my polite-meter improved every time.
Yes, Erica, and that’s not such a far-fetched possibility anymore. It’s definitely worth keeping in mind.
I am polite to customer service folks because I know my problem is in no way their fault, and they are there to help me resolve it. Also because I work for a living just as they do, and I doubt they are paid enough to take abuse from the public, even though it is dished out to them on a daily basis. A benefit of this, even though it is not my motivation, is I often get a perq from the agent in the form of a promotion they offer at their discretion, while they tell me things like I was the nicest person they have dealt with all day. I tell them I once worked a tech support help line, and I know what it is like. I hope I make things a bit better for them at least for the time I am on the phone or the chat with them. I’d hate to be the last straw for some beleaguered worker sending them into a downward spiral or perhaps even worse. And yes, my left-wing pro-worker politics play a part in how I treat customer service agents, baristas and waitpersons.
People in customer service run into a lot of rudeness, don’t they, Barrington? I try not to add to the negativity, and it’s not always easy. I usually keep it light, and even a little bit fun(!) But when we’re routed to the third or fourth person, and we’ve been on hold forEVER, it’s easy to blow a gasket.
I really liked that you mentioned Michelle Obama, because her use of the phrase ‘going high when they go low’ was exactly what came to my mind. You might still get clobbered, but in the end, your soul has the peace in knowing that you did the right thing. The issue that I struggle with is that somehow the people ‘going low’ seem to be rewarded for that behavior and there’s no longer any overarching societal control over doing so.
Yes, Michelle, there’s been some debate about that “going high” suggestion. A lot of people feel it’s time to fight and going low is the way to do it.