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Boomerasking – it’s not just boomers asking

What’d you do last weekend?

That sounds great! Now what I did was brunch in Barrington with Kelly and Kim on Saturday—fabulous! And then Janine and Ricky had a St. Patrick’s Day gathering. So much fun with my neighbors! And delicious corned beef and …

You lost interest quickly, didn’t you?

And you might even be a bit irritated because I started that monologue pretending I wanted to hear about your weekend and then pulled a switcheroo to yammer about myself.

They call that “boomerasking.”

It’s asking a question designed to boomerang back to the person who posed it, so they have an opportunity to brag about their story, or state their opinion, or complain about that terrible thing that happened to them.

Because that’s what they really wanted to talk about in the first place.

I’m betting you’ve had an experience like that, and you may even be a boomerasker yourself. If so, you might consider some conversational rehab. Because boomerasking bugs us!

Couple of communication researchers set out to discover why some of us use that all-about-me strategy even though it doesn’t make them good conversational partners. 

Turns out boomeraskers seem to have good intentions.

Some say they think it’ll make the person they’re talking with feel more included in the conversation. Or they think it just seems more appropriate to at least pretend interest in the other person, rather than immediately spouting their own stories or their points of view.

We’re not fooled, are we? We pick up on a boomerasker’s lack of interest in us, the minute they turn the conversation back to their favorite subject: them.

We wind up thinking they’re insincere, not really interested in us at all.

And in the end, we’d rather have a conversation with someone who just straightforwardly talks about themselves instead of trying to fake an interest in us so we’ll ask about them…and open the door to their bragging or bemoaning or otherwise holding forth.

This whole idea reminded me of my husband.

And not because Frank was a boomerasker. He was a back-up musician in his first career; trombone was his instrument. And over the years, he played with just about anyone you can think of who’d take the stage with brass behind them, from Dean Martin and Wayne Newton to The Temptations and The Buckinghams.

Frank had some stories about working … and talking … with celebrities. They’d go on and on about themselves, and finally say something like, “But that’s enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What did you think about my performance?”

We called that selfing, it’s just another way a person might grab the conversational ball and run with it.

Truth is, we all like to talk about ourselves.

And there’s a reason for that. It feels good!

Researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara found that talking about ourselves amps up brain activity in the same regions associated with the sense of satisfaction we get from food, money, and sex.

That’s pretty powerful, isn’t it?

The thing is, creating strong relationships also feels good.

And we’re more likely to do that when we shift our focus from ourselves to others.

Our connection with another deepens when we ask a question, really listen to the answer, and ask a couple of follow-up questions. Or when we share good news with them directly without the subterfuge of boomerasking.

This is why I so often ask a question right about here. “Let me know what you think.” “Tell us about your experience with a comment on the blog.” “Maybe you see it differently? Fill me in.”

Those aren’t phony questions designed to pave the way for me to say more. I am genuinely interested in what you have to say. Now’s your chance to say it.