Listen to the audio version of this post here.
Call me! On the line …
So far today, two people have called me. Another friend texted to find out if it was a good time to talk. A longtime pal checked in by text from Lyon, France to see if we could chat on WhatsApp. Oh, and my friend Cindy came to visit in person. With coffee and scones!
I do have WhatsApp—I’m not a total dinosaur. And of course, I text. What with my caregiving responsibilities, I don’t get out much these days, so I’m thrilled when Ring tells me “There is a person at your front door.”
I tell you all that to say I am not a Luddite or a fuddy-duddy. And … I still like to talk on the phone. (Yes, I use wireless earbuds. I’m not yakking on the princess phone from years back.)
However, there seems to be a generational split going on when it comes to connecting with friends and family. This was the headline in the Washington Post …
“The new phone call etiquette: Text first and never leave a voice mail”
Remember when the phone company used to tell us to reach out and touch someone? Never mind the touching. Even reaching out is now considered rude and intrusive if we don’t text them first.
As WaPo explains, “Calling someone without warning can feel stressful to the recipient.” Instead, we’re supposed to text them to see if it’s a good time to talk or find out when it would be more convenient.
Really? Are you stressed out by a phone call you didn’t expect?
For my part, I’m delighted when my phone rings. If I’m with a client, or taking care of Frank, or, um, indisposed … I don’t answer it. I can always call them back later. It’s great to have a choice. It’s not stressful to make that choice.
And I’m grateful that smart phones let us know who’s calling before we pick up … or before they start leaving a message and the answering machine broadcasts their voice into the room and then we scramble to get over to the phone and grab it. Or not. (Remember those days?)
On the subject of leaving a message …
WaPo says don’t do it: “Voice mails are an artifact of the days before text messages.”
Well, they concede it’s okay to leave a message once in a while. “The exceptions for the no-voice-mail rule are calling people who would love to hear your voice no matter what you’re saying, or sharing some kind of audio experience.”
So, if you’re singing Happy Birthday, it seems voicemail is allowed by the experts. Otherwise, they recommend sending a text or email instead.
If you ask me, the experts are wrong.
Yes, I can read your message faster than I can listen to it; they’re right about that much. And yes, smart phones transcribe voicemail messages. So, it is possible I’m reading it instead of listening to the recording anyway.
And. The tone of your voice adds texture and richness to your words. That texture and richness are lost when we read your words on a small screen instead of hearing them from your lips. Or from the phone’s speaker.
Your tone of voice can even change the meaning of your words, sometimes dramatically. I might read sarcasm into a text that you didn’t intend at all. Or for that matter, I might miss the snarkiness you did mean to convey, if I’m just reading your message.
Many a misunderstanding has started with a text message.
Here’s where I do agree with the Post’s telephone etiquette advice.
Don’t use that speakerphone in public.
Haven’t you been in, say, an office waiting room or an airport lobby, listening to a ridiculously loud conversation about Aunt Zelda’s medical problems or that jerk at the office causing trouble again? We don’t need to hear all that!
The article recommends headphones. And attention to other people’s personal space and your own volume. I’m with ‘em on that one.
And you?
Where do you stand on texting vs. calling? Do you leave a message or just hang up and figure they know you called – they’ll call you back? And how are they supposed to know you called on purpose and it wasn’t a pocket-dial?
You’re welcome to post a comment below or shoot me an email. Or, of course you could call me.
PS: A confession
When I first thought “Call Me,” a song came to mind. It wasn’t Blondie’s ‘80s hit, “Call me (call me) on the line…”
Embarrassingly enough, the song going through my head was “Call me … don’t be afraid, you can call me…” Petula Clark from the ‘60s.
There’s also something to be said for being conscious of the effect of “just texting” in response to major life events when a more direct (and connecting) mode is warranted. Recently, my husband died, and the only communication I received from my three nephews in another state was a text that said “Sorry about Ken.” I’ve worked through it, and my friends all told me “that is the mode of accepted communication these days with younger people,” or “it’s a guy thing,” but it was hurtful to think a text was the only thing they could muster after the death of someone who had been in countless close family gatherings for 42 years.
Oh, Jean, your story has a familiar ring to it. The young people in my life similarly text — or post on Instagram — instead of calling. It does seem cold to text condolences though, doesn’t it?
Apart from the generational divide, I’d posit that young men might feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about your loss so they default to a text. It’s a reminder to me not to hide behind texting when a call, especially one that’s hard to make, would be more meaningful for the other person.
Petula came to my mind as well, Catherine. And Chris Montez who also had a hit with that song the year after Petula’s 1965 release.
It’s interesting to me that, as you quoted, WaPo says “Calling someone without warning can feel stressful to the recipient.” As an autistic person, I am a member of a number of chat groups for autistic adults, and this is such a common theme in our groups, I thought it was specific to certain neurotypes and not a thing in the general public. I admit, there are times when I simply cannot handle voice communication and I will let a phone call go to voicemail and call back if it’s relevant, but I’m also over sixty, and phone calls feel much more natural to me than texting. I am a touch typist, but I cannot thumb-type on a smartphone with anywhere near the velocity of the majority of folks 20, 30 or 40 years my junior. I imagine GenZ doesn’t even need to type, they probably telepathically communicate with their texting devices; if not, I’m sure they will be in another ten years.
Voicemail is a wonderful thing, Barrington. Everyone probably lets calls go there sometimes because they’re busy or overwhelmed or talked-out or whatever. I just don’t think that’s a reason to put the kibosh on calls for everyone all the time.
And here’s a quirk. I’ve never mastered two-thumb texting, or even one thumb. I text with my index finger. And even that doesn’t work on my watch–the keyboard’s so tiny I talk to it instead. It’s a little bit Dick Tracy.
Imagine a world where Alexander Graham Bell invented text messages, and they were the FIRST method we had to communicate with one another. Then imagine that many years later, someone invented a way we could actually TALK with someone remotely. That would be considered an amazing feat and would certainly take the place of those lousy text messages.
Love the counterfactual, Greg. People did react that way to Alexander Graham Bell’s invention in the 1870’s. Before that, there was just the telegraph. Dots and dashes weren’t nearly as satisfying.
Love the Petula Clark reference!!
And, I’m on the side of texting first.
I wouldn’t, these days, just knock on a friend’s door randomly without letting them know I’m coming first.
Same etiquette with calling.
I don’t like leaving voice messages for the very reason you stated…when it is read instead of being heard, a lot of misunderstandings can occur.
So, I’m for texting…”are you available to chat?” It’s hard to misunderstand that text.
I’m glad you’re not knocking on my door, Karen … although I’d invite you in if you did. I’m not always dressed for company.
You may be right that phone calls are starting to feel the same way as a surprise visit. I still like ’em, but it seems I’m in a minority. So I’ll text you soon …
One more thing … I actually sang on the audio version at the top of this page. Petula Clark did it better.🙄