Listen to the audio version of this post here.

Do your conversations rock?

Maybe you spent your Labor Day weekend on the tennis court or golf course. Or on a picturesque lake in a sailboat or kayak. Maybe you tossed horseshoes or played pickleball.

I spent my holiday weekend deeply engaged in one of my favorite activities. In my living room with Cindy. At a rooftop restaurant with Rebecca. In a neighborhood Chinese place with Carol and Tom. On the phone with Jennifer. I relished every one of the conversations.

You know me: I like to talk. And listen.

It often seems that conversation should come naturally to all of us; we’re social animals, after all. And yet, we hear all kinds of evidence that some people are not naturally gifted when it comes to conversation.

I thought about those folks as I listened to an interview with Harvard’s Alison Wood Brooks. She teaches a course about conversation. And she just wrote TALK: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves.

Brooks offered a handy framework for improving our conversational skills.

starts with TOPICS.

Some subjects come up spontaneously and they can create interesting and rewarding exchanges. Brooks suggests we do not count on that happening.

Instead, she says, before a conversation, we ought to think of a few flexible topics. That little bit of preparation will help us be more interesting and keep the conversation rolling.

Relentless focus on other people’s needs will create richer conversations. And yes, there’s research to prove that; it involves pronoun-counts.

Some of us use a boatload of self-focused pronouns (I, me, myself). And some of us weave in more other-oriented pronouns (you, your, yourself). As you might guess, constant self-ing does not promote rich conversations.

In fact, the least satisfaction comes from too much focus on oneself. But enjoyment is not much greater when the only focus is on the other person. Great conversationalists use a high level of both kinds of pronouns.

Any conversation might start with small talk, and Brooks is adamant that we don’t have to stay there. We can move the dialogue up a sort of Topic Pyramid by asking follow-up questions or sharing our own experience, opinions, or feeling.

So, a conversation might begin with a topic that anybody could talk about. Weather, for instance. (It’s been glorious in Chicago lately!)

Then we move up to a slightly more tailored aspect of the topic. Maybe I’d mention a bit of personal disclosure like my regret that I’m sitting at a laptop in my office instead of out walking along the lakefront.

Some conversations move up even more to deep talk. Say, asking how my pyramid partner will remember days like this when the inevitable cold, crummy days come up this winter … and how do we make those bearable anyway?

ASKING questions is critical when it comes to conversation.

Brooks says follow-up questions show you were listening and encourage the conversational flow. It’s worth remembering that open-ended questions elicit more than twice the word-count as yes-no type questions.

That doesn’t mean we should interrogate people, of course. Likeability goes down if we ask more than three questions a minute.

And she cautioned against “boomerasking.” You might remember our exchange about people who ask a question that’s really a thinly veiled excuse for them to grab back the conversational ball.

LEVITY makes us more engaging.

When we add a bit of humor or warmth to what we say—and ask—it disrupts boredom and keeps the conversation moving along.

That doesn’t mean telling jokes, of course. Brooks says we ought to find the fun rather than trying to be funny. There are few things less humorous than someone who’s trying really hard to make us laugh, right?

Compliments fit in with that lightness, creating a sort of glow. They naturally make the other person feel good. And that’s not all. The research shows offering someone a compliment will make us feel better too!

And KINDNESS ties a beautiful big bow around the whole conversational package.

That means replacing our natural self-focus with a focus on them. Using language that creates a respectful environment. Maybe staying away from “why” questions that can sound prosecutorial and asking “what” questions instead. They’re a little softer.

Kindness also includes listening and making it obvious that you’ve been listening.

Facial expressions can play a role. Head nods, eyebrow raises, and smiles indicate that we’re taking in the meaning. Of course, they can also be faked.

So, follow-up questions add to the impression that we’re paying attention to our partners. So does reflecting back what the person just said, demonstrating that you took it in. Or even a call-back to something from much earlier in the conversation—then they know you’ve been tuned in all along. And sometimes those call-backs can be funny.

How are your conversations?

I think I’m a pretty good conversationalist. I do ask a lot of questions, though I try not to interrogate people. And I’m open to self-disclosure which often moves an exchange along and invites similar openness on the other person’s part.

Still, it seems like something worth studying further. I can’t sign up for Alison Wood Brooks’s Harvard class, although it sounds like one I’d enjoy. It’s called “TALK: How to Talk Gooder in Business and Life”

I did order her book though. My book group focuses on fiction, but I think I’m going to look for someone who’ll read this one with me and talk about how we can apply this whole idea of talking gooder.

If you’re up for that kind of conversation, let me know by leaving a comment below.