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DON’T fill ‘er up

Sometimes the most dramatic part of a talk is the time you’re not talking.

Whether you’re having a casual conversation, making a more formal presentation, or introducing yourself at a networking event, a little breathing room gives your words more weight.

A pause helps your listeners understand what you’re saying. It’s especially valuable if you’re talking about something unfamiliar. It also demonstrates considerable confidence, and that’s never a bad thing.

What gets in the way of your pause? Fillers like “um, uh, like, y’know, sooooooo, ‘kay.” They’re unnecessary words or sounds that just fill up the space. “Basically” is a common one. “Effectively.” “Essentially.” “Actually.” And “right?”

I was at an event once where three of the main speakers had a “right” habit. Seemed they finished most of their sentences with, “right?” And boy, did that get irritating. It was also contagious. I found myself saying “right” by the time the weekend was over!

Sometimes we get stuck on longer phrases that become repetitive. The repetition makes them noticeable. And aggravating. Know what I mean? Yes – “know what I mean” is one of those phrases. You often hear it abbreviated so it’s something close to “nuhmeen?”

Trainers, and others who hope their listeners are learning, get in the habit of checking for understanding, to make sure they’re not losing people. That seems like a good idea until it becomes automatic. Haven’t you heard someone tag every other statement with “Does that make sense?”

It’s a risky question to ask, because it suggests that the speaker isn’t sure of their own skill at making a point. Or that they think their listeners are dummies who don’t quite get it – the question can come off as quite patronizing.

Those aren’t the impressions we want to leave with our audience!

I was in a group where the speaker dropped in over and over and over, “Are you with me.” There’s no question mark there – by design. Because she didn’t say it as a question. Her tone suggested that we better damn well be with her or else!

How do you know if you’ve developed one of these annoying vocal habits?

Sometimes your audience will tell you. Early in my speaking career, I was doing some training on professional presence for jobseekers. I realized I’d defaulted too often to asking, “Is that clear?” … the third time a guy in the back of the room intoned, “Crystal.”

You might recruit a friend who will give you honest feedback. They can let you know what non-words you use, and how often.

Or you can listen to a recording of yourself speaking. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to hear your disfluencies; it’s also very helpful.

If you’re doing a lot of umm-ing and er-ing and like-y’know-ing, you’ll do yourself (and your listeners!) a favor to minimize all that.

That doesn’t mean you must eliminate all your verbal tics all the time. Yes, I know, some groups work very hard to train their members to eradicate every one of their non-words.

I’m not crazy about such an intense focus on fillers. If you’re in the moment with your audience and engaged in your own content, the occasional vocalized pause can wind up sounding thoughtful, conversational, and natural.

And speakers who never use any fillers can come off as robotic and over-rehearsed.

But it’s a fine line. Too many “um, uhs” “reallys” and “likes” will make people take you less seriously. They start to wonder if you know what you’re talking about.

So, what’s the solution? Once you’ve figured out your default filler(s), try slowing down a bit.

Focus on the people you’re talking to – get very intentional about that. Steady, direct eye contact can help you make and keep a connection with your listeners.

And get comfortable with pausing between words and sentences. That little breath of silence is welcome on both sides of a conversation.