Yes, the exclamation points are a dead give-away, aren’t they?
It’s not new news that men and women communicate differently. Way back when I was a baby talk show host, one of my first guests was linguist Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation.
The way all of us communicate has changed since 1990. But gender differences are still with us, as Tannen says in her new book You’re The Only One I Can Tell: Inside The Language Of Women’s Friendships.
When it comes to texts, emails and social media, Tannen says girls and women “use more exclamation points, emoticons, emojis, capitalization, and repetition of words (SOSOSOSOSOSO GORGEOUS), punctuation (???????), and letters (‘soooooo sorry,’ ‘a verrrrry long time’).”
What is that about?
Tannen says those are all ways to do by typing what women also do when we talk. We change pitch and intonation more than men do, draw out sounds, and smile more often and more broadly. And we do all of it to show enthusiasm or excitement. Which is expected from women.
The extravagant punctuation is so common that people often assume women will use that extra bit of expressiveness. When we don’t, they may think we’re cold or angry and react as if we’ve insulted them somehow. SHEEEEESH!!!!
Some women at Buzzfeed put themselves on exclamation point restriction, just to see what would happen. Having read Tannen’s research, they wanted to find out how people would react and how they themselves would feel if they weren’t exclaiming all the time!!!
Results? None of them made it 72 hours without their go-to punctuation. “Somewhat to our surprise,” they wrote, “we found that it was overall easier to abstain from exclamation points in our personal lives than in our professional ones. It may be that, as women in the workplace, we feel increased pressure to appear friendly, accommodating, and grateful.”
Makes sense, right? Women often DO feel increased pressure to appear friendly, accommodating and grateful at work. Exclamation points are one way we do that.
With the experiment behind them, are the Buzzfeed staffers planning to continue the restriction? “No!!!!!!!!!!!!” Because they really, really, really HATED it.
And I don’t blame them, actually. I’m in favor of the well-placed exclamation point. In fact, when I left the world of radio for a new career at a business communication consulting firm, one of my colleagues told me almost immediately, “You use too many exclamation points.”
Maybe. I thought it was just as likely that she used too few!
Nothing wrong with a little enthusiasm, right? It’s true that many a real writer has pooh-poohed the punctuation. (F. Scott Fitzgerald: “An exclamation point is like laughing at your own jokes.”)
But it’s useful, especially in multiples, because it can convey a lightness about what you’re saying. I notice lately that I use a lot of the winking emoji, especially in Facebook posts. And for the same reason. It softens what I’ve said. Indicates that I’m kidding or being sardonic. And mainly, that I’m not trying to offend the reader. I know that plain text can be misinterpreted and the wink makes it more likely that they’ll get my real intention.
So, bottom line. The exclamation point, especially in multiples, can present a double-bind for women. Use them a lot, and people think you’re girlish and cute, unprofessional and too friendly.
Drop them altogether, and those very same may people read you as cold and remote or even angry. There are people who think a mere period at the end of a message is terse and even aggressive. Who knew punctuation could be so fraught with meaning?
I’m coming down in favor of exclamation points. I’m good with the occasional ALL-CAPS. Italics? I’m all in. And I’ve been known to draw out a wooooord in print for effect. But rarely.
And maybe that’s the real crux of it. So much of business writing is dry anyway, if we can give it a little oomph it’s a good thing. But when we overdo any of these devices, they lose their impact.
Your turn!!!! Post a comment below – where do you stand on multiple exclamation points and other ways to convey intensity when you write? And if you’re a woman who tones it down in type or a guy who exclaims and emotes, I REALLY want to hear from you!
You have a way with words. Wait, let me restate. You have a way with words! And punctuation! And making us think. Kudos, once again. You are brilliant – on the stage and on the page.
Thanks, Kelly! Coming from a pro like you that’s a real compliment.
Great post! Barbara Tannen gives us very practical social research in every book I’ve read so far. (I’m jealous that you got to interview her!) Hmm. I like that exclamation point between and among us women. I’ll be more observant of what I send and receive in the next week or so. Can’t wait to read Barbara’s new book. Thanks, Catherine!!!
She was a fascinating person to interview, Kay. (And it’s Deborah, BTW) I haven’t read her latest book, but I did get it for a friend for her birthday. Because she’s “the only one I can tell” about certain things. (I’d tell you what those things are, but you know …)
Well said, Catherine! Deborah Tannen has provided wisdom in this area for years. The majority of decision-makers I work with are women. I’ve made a concerted effort to be more “expressive” in my emails and text messages. I think it’s made a difference, as any communication flex would. Thanks for posting!
I bet that has made a difference for you, Bob. I’d also bet it’s easier for you than it would be for a lot of guys because communication is one of your gifts. (I almost wrote, “because you were a woman in a previous life” but then I realized there’s no wink emoji here and without my humorous tone, how would you know I was being playful and … well, this is why face-to-face has its advantages.)
Catherine,
You left out some other prime punctuation, specifically parentheses, dashes and ellipses (…). Anything to get the reader to put the same expressiveness into his reading as we put into our writing.
-Diana
YES! Now that you mention it, Diana, I think I just use a lot of punctuation. And for exactly the reason you’re suggesting. Funny, when I started working in business instead of radio, I had to re-learn about semi-colons and hyphens and things. Writing copy that I was going to read out loud, I didn’t pay much attention to standard punctuation. I just used ellipses to indicate PAUSE. They sound good, but on paper people expect to see something other than dot-dot-dot.
I’ll admit, I do think about whether I am using too many exclamation points, but then I think, oh what the heck, it shows my enthusiasm and hopefully it may bring a smile! (Though, I’m a one exclamation point kind of gal!)
And sometimes, one is enough, Susie!
People tend to think I am being too direct and aggressive when I am relaying information so I tend to add a smile:-) at the end to indicate that I really am smiling when I say something and not aggressive or critical. Email can be tricky and I do not want to be considered a bitchy female when I am just saying something strongly without anger. Anyone else struggle with that one in email or text? Teri D
Teri, I think EVERYONE else struggles with that one in email or text. At least women do, and maybe men too. And the concern is not unreasonable; emails can be misinterpreted and cause problems. Adding the smile – or I’m big on the wink – can make a difference. And sometimes it’s best to just pick up the phone and have a real-time conversation instead.
I love exclamation points and emojis. It just adds so much more personality to our messages. People don’t pick up the phone as much as they used to so our emails and texts have to have emotion. I can’t feel you when you email me or text me. What does your voice say in between those words? If I see a sad :-(, I may be inclined to pick up the phone and ask what’s going on, are you ok?
I love exclamation marks and emojis. I use them frequently and add little gifs to compliment a message. We are in a fast paced world and people don’t pick up the phone and call each other as much anymore. It’s too easy to knock out an email or a text. So we have to use symbols and punctuation to convey feelings whether we are happy, sad, glad or mad. I don’t like CAPS!. If something is bothering you that much that you have to YELL in a text, pick up the phone. I have a friend that only types in CAPS and it took me a long time to figure her out. She admitted she couldn’t see! I showed her how to zoom her display. Helped her and everybody else she talked to.
🙂 ‘-) :-0
Gifs?!?!? You’re very advanced, Susan. I barely know what a gif is, much less how to put one in an email. I use caps for emphasis in Facebook posts because italics or bold aren’t options. I notice some people put an asterisk before and after a word to emphasize it. Seems kind of cumbersome, but at least no one thinks they’re yelling.
Thanks for exclaiming about this one!
I LOVE expressive writing!!! AND, I use it for emphasis! I talk with a lot of expression…and sometimes sarcasm…and unless we have a way of expressing that in print…well…how else will people know the MEANING behind the words? Seems to me we need MORE punctuation and visual cues about meaning (especially in social media) not less.
Now…to be real…I do tone it down a bit in business communication. At least until I know the person well enough to go from formal professional writing that may be intentionally emotionless to conversational writing.
I am soooo happy you wrote about this. But then, I’m always veeeeeery impressed with your newsletter…AND your writing!! And I’d tell that to ANYONE!!! ?????
“Formal professional writing” – ugh. I’m with you, Karen, favoring a more conversational tone. And it turns out our radio experience is increasingly valuable. Because the business world has shifted toward our way of writing.
The stilted, stiff, passive-voiced writing that was in vogue 20 years ago is way out of date now. Business writing experts recommend short, direct sentences, short plain-English words, and active voice. Of course they also recommend this: “Curb your enthusiasm. Avoid overusing exclamation points, regardless of how energized or friendly you might feel” – Forbes
Now, my big question is – how did you get those emojis to show up here?
I LOVE expressive writing!!! AND, I use it for emphasis! I talk with a lot of expression…and sometimes sarcasm…and unless we have a way of expressing that in print…well…how else will people know the MEANING behind the words? Seems to me we need MORE punctuation and visual cues about meaning (especially in social media) not less.
Now…to be real…I do tone it down a bit in business communication. At least until I know the person well enough to go from formal professional writing that may be intentionally emotionless to conversational writing.
I am soooo happy you wrote about this. But then, I’m always veeeeeery impressed with your newsletter…AND your writing!! And I’d tell that to ANYONE!!! ?????