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Eye Contact—it’s a good thing
It’s right there on “The Good List” from The New York Times: two to four minutes of eye contact is one of their good things. Two minutes of eye contact, much less four, might seem like a lot to you. Because it is.
The actor Jonathan Groff was the inspiration for naming eye contact a good thing. He’s been playing singer Bobby Darin in the musical “Just in Time” on Broadway. And he’s leaving the show after a year of locking eyes with theatergoers, night after night.
Groff says he used to be reluctant to make that kind of contact; he credits a former director with teaching him how important it is to meet the eyes of audience members. And he calls that experience transcendent and “unbearably moving.”
I don’t know about transcendence. But with the audiences we speak to, eye contact is definitely a good thing.
Whether you’re talking to a roomful of people or just one or two, the chances are your goals are the same.
You want to connect with those people, share information, and maybe your point of view, You’d also like to demonstrate your expertise, confidence, and interest in them.
Eye contact will help you reach those goals.
Maybe you’re thinking, yeah, of course, Catherine. And I’m fine making eye contact. No worries.
Most of my clients tell me the same thing. They don’t have a problem with eye contact!
Then we try it. And guess what? This eye contact thing isn’t as easy as it looks.
Some people find themselves looking up at the ceiling. Or down at the floor. Or they glance to the left or right. Or maybe their eyes dart around the room. They might giggle or smirk, or wriggle in their chair. They’re uncomfortable – and it shows.
What’s going on there? The key is right there in the name. Eye contact is about the contact, the connection with another human being. And some of us don’t really want to connect, at least not with the human being right there in front of us.
You might feel vulnerable when you look someone in the eye, so you make it easy on yourself by shifting away.
When we resist that impulse to look away, we come across as honest, confident, and focused. Our listeners are more likely to trust us. And like us. And do business with us.
Here’s the thing. Contact means contact.
You might hear someone suggest getting around discomfort with eye contact by looking at your listener’s forehead or the bridge of their nose. Or in a full room, talking over the top of an audience’s heads, gazing at the back wall. Faking it, in other words.
Don’t even think about it.
First of all, your listeners are not fooled. They can tell what you’re up to. Also, the connection we make with real eye contact isn’t just good for those listeners. It benefits us too.
So don’t turn your face away and your eyes back to them, giving them the side-eye. And don’t tilt your head back so you’re looking down your nose at them. People usually think that looks condescending. I believe it more often comes from fear than snootiness; it puts distance between you and them. Keep this in mind: nobody’s charisma comes from their chin!
You’ll make the best connection with full frontal eye contact.
Here’s a visual that might help. Imagine your face is a spotlight. Now shine it on the person you’re talking to, bathing them in the light of your attention. They will feel it—and it’ll feel good.
Practice that, and you will feel the difference in the quality of the connections you make.
You and I will likely never need to connect with the audience in a Broadway theater, to have that transcendent experience Jonathan Groff talked about. When we’re really with our audiences though, wherever they are, we can let go of any self-consciousness and enter into the engagement with them.
And we’re much more likely to achieve our business goals that way.
One last thing to remember, as you put these suggestions into practice. Different cultures have different customs and expectations around eye contact. You’ll need to pay attention to those if you’re doing business internationally.
In America, talking to Americans, you and they will enjoy deeper communication when it includes steady, comfortable eye contact.
