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I’ve been ghosted.
Some things never change.
It’s been 35 years since I went on a date. It was with Frank, we went to my 20th high school reunion, and he brought me a wrist corsage for the occasion. We settled into a serious relationship pretty quickly after that, leaving the dating rituals behind.
Well, we often talked about going out to our favorite Italian place on Saturday night as “a date,” but it’s different when you’re spending time with a loving spouse as opposed to getting ready for some guy to pick you up at 7:00.
What I’ve learned lately is that men haven’t changed in all those years while I was out of the dating scene. They still suggest something simple and non-threatening for a first time together. Say, meeting for lunch. And then they disappear.
There you are, wondering, “What happened?” “Why did they say they were interested in the first place if they really weren’t?” And if you’re of a self-doubting nature, “What did I do wrong?”
It happened in my life just recently, as I’m beginning to feel ready for a man’s company. I’m not looking for a big romance, but it sure would be nice to go to lunch with a guy once in a while.
I agreed to arrange that very thing with a man who seemed kind of interesting. I was looking forward to it. And then he—vanished.
Now, I have not even dipped my toe in the online dating app waters, but friends who have tell me ghosting goes on all the time in that world.
The disappearing act happens in business too, doesn’t it?
There’s that potential client who reached out through your website. They’d like to talk about the service you offer and how it might help them. So, you set up a call, prepare for a conversation, and watch the clock tick as the time for your meeting creeps by without a word from them.
You meet a guy at your Chamber networking group. Turns out he’s in the market for the product you sell and he’s going to come into your store next week, for sure. Does he ever show up? Nope.
Or that woman on LinkedIn, the one you’ve been connected with for years. She knows someone who’d be a perfect fit for the work you do, and she’s going to make the introduction. Or not … because it turns out she never does follow up on the offer.
They ghosted you, every one of them.
What do we do about the ghosts?
My impulse is to give up on the lot of them. They’re clearly not interested in me, after all—I can’t chase them down and drag them into a conversation with me, much less force them to engage beyond that.
That seems like the right approach to the guy who talked about meeting for lunch and then disappeared on me. Easy come, easy go, right? Okay, at this age, it’s not that easy. But still.
I know sales coaches, however, who would say my impulse is all wrong when it comes to the business connections.
They don’t show up for the scheduled call, you call them and reschedule.
They never find their way into your store, you see them at the next Chamber meeting and invite them again.
They fall down on the introducing job, you send a LinkedIn message reminding them you’re eager to connect with their friend, and you’ll make sure the friend is well-served.
In short, you follow up.
One business coach told me (repeatedly, as it happens) to keep calling them until they tell me to stop. Someone else recommended following up until they buy—or die.
Most experts recommend a combo approach. Call them a time or two. Send an email. Or an actual, physical piece of snail mail. Shoot them an article you wrote that you think they’d find useful. Or one that someone else wrote, that you found useful. Bottom line: stay in touch.
I’m not sure I have it in me. In fact, I’ve pretty clearly demonstrated that I do not. Business outreach puts a knot in my stomach, and it only gets worse when I think about reaching out a second, third, or seventeenth time.
Maybe you feel differently? In fact, for the sake of your business, I hope you feel differently.
And I’d love to hear how you approach following up with those people who seem to be interested right up until they ghost you. Share your thoughts in a comment below.
Wow! Catherine, you’re speaking about my frustrations too! Same fields, too–dating, LinkedIn conversations, conversations with connections at target companies, prospecting. Outside of prospecting, I’ve approached those attempts as “three strikes and I’m out.” They’re not interested; they’ve moved on.
Prospecting is different because my colleagues and superiors depend on those successes, and they’re watching me. I try to find other ways to contact my prospects or share something that may be helpful in their line of work, or another data-driven aspect of why my company is better than the competition, and why we should have a conversation.
Well, I guess it’s good to know I’m not alone, Chuck! Prospecting-wise, I think you’re right. Three tries to connect isn’t enough, most of the time. I’ve read different data, but most agree the typical sale happens after anywhere from seven to a dozen contacts. And I’d guess the real number is higher now than it used to be. Here’s to persistence!
This one really resonated with me, Catherine as I went through the same thing after I was divorced after 30 years and moved to western Mass where I grew up. Actually someone encouraged me to try the dating apps as they had met their spouse on one. It was a traumatic and discouraging experience, full of scammers. I then tried a concierge dating service that “hand selected” dates for compatibility. Same thing with higher price tag. I’ve come to the conclusion that most men of my age have either too much baggage or too many health problems so I give up.
In terms of business though, if someone ghosts me or forgets an appointment, I actually do not follow up as it is a red flag for character issues, and I do not want to do business with people like that. It makes me look bad. I want to surround myself with people who respect my time and treat me as well as I treat them, personally and professionally. If they made a one off error and reach out to apologize and reschedule, I give them another chance; after all none of us are imperfect.
Your approach in business situations is interesting, Teri! Business coaches almost always recommend persistence. Keep trying, make another call, and so on. When it comes to speakers, it’s not uncommon for those who hire us to ignore our calls until the time they actually need a speaker. I suspect I lose out by not being top-of-mind when their event rolls around and they’re ready to book someone.
One and done. I have heard the recommendation to keep following up. And I personally have received multiple emails from vendors before something changed in my world and I purchased from them. However, I am certain that those vendors had automated follow up systems that send out all those reminders relatively effortlessly. So for practically no cost, they could easily afford to follow up until I purchased or unsubscribed.
I am a single shingle business that does quality work based on honesty and trust. I don’t have the time or resources to continue to follow up with ghosts. A few engaged conversations can determine “fit” and if that works out, a new sale / business relationship results. If they ghost me, there was not sufficient interest or trust to support a business relationship. And by not letting me know, they are showing me they lack something essential to a successful business relationship. Could be integrity or professional follow up or a failure to consider the other person and own the consequences of one’s decisions. Ghosting is just an awkward way of saying “not interested”. And I prefer to take them at their word.
You make a good case, Kathy, for people like us not to keep following up. I’ve been told to invest in an automated system …that just doesn’t seem practical for me. I’m so old-fashioned, I still write my own blog posts!
And I love your label. I think I’ll start calling myself a single shingle business!
I was also told to invest in an automated system. I did. And it didn’t work. I don’t sell a commoditized product. My work rests on a foundation of trust and respect. Not something that generally sells with a commoditized approach. I realized I wasn’t out of touch with the marketing mechanics, but actually in touch with the needs of my ideal clients. For me, it is the quality of the relationship that matters, not the numbers of emails sent, opens, and click throughs. Maybe for you too?
Yes! That’s a wonderful way to look at it, Kathy. At this point in my working life, quality of relationships is much more important than numbers of contacts and clicks. Although I admit, I DO love comments on my blog posts, the more the better!
When someone doesn’t follow up, I send an email or phone message apologizing for being a PITA. (Pain in the Ass) and if they do not want to speak to me, please let me know and I will stop following up. It has worked for me in 50% of the time. It’s even harder when your kids ghost you!!!! Good Luck. don’t give up and Remember you can do HARD!
Yes, Patti, and interestingly, you’re not the first person to mention kids to me. Ghosting the parents may be more common than I’d realized! I like the idea of saying straight out that you’ll stop following up if they tell you they don’t want to be followed.
Catching up on my email here. A LOT of different scenarios. I see each as having a different solution. 1) The lunch date ghost: If he doesn’t show up, you ask once what happened, and then he ghosts you. His loss. If you know him well, that’s just weird. If they’re from a dating app, they might be married. I once said to my daughter, “I don’t date married men.”
She responded, “Well, not on purpose.”
Fair.
For the delaying potential client, I try to follow up about once a month, checking in, seeing how they’re doing (especially if I like/trust the person).
For the ghosting client, life’s too short. If someone’s not interested (or picks my brain but never pays), I don’t need the hassle. After a breakfast with a stranger who wanted to do business and ended up name-calling the loud-talking man on his cell phone, and as he told me about his last business deal, getting angrier and angrier as he spoke, I wrote this blog: https://nancyburgess.net/20-reasons-to-turn-away-b2b-business/