Listen to the audio version of this post here.
Go ahead. Say it.
You’ve likely heard the fuss about Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski speaking up in our current political climate. She was talking about fear.
“I’ll tell you, I’m oftentimes very anxious myself about using my voice, because retaliation is real.”
It struck me that we don’t have to be talking about politics, much less about retaliation, to feel anxious about using our voices. In fact, I’d guess most women, in particular, have felt that anxiety at least occasionally. And maybe often.
What might happen if we use our voice? If we speak up?
Maybe a coveted promotion goes to a colleague instead, even though it seemed we were perfect for the position. A would-be client decides not to choose us for that upcoming project. A friend pulls away, stops calling or texting or making plans with us.
Or you can make your own long list of the ways relationships can go awry when we clearly state what’s on our mind and step on someone’s toes in the process.
Fearing those consequences, it often seems so much easier to hold back.
And we have a lot of ways to hold back.
It might be that in a given situation, you decide not to speak up at all. Easier to just keep your opinions to yourself, right? Don’t stir the pot.
Or maybe you do voice your thoughts, but you don’t go into much detail. You say the bare minimum and get quiet. Maybe your pitch is almost child-like. Or your volume is barely above a whisper. Or you rush to get your ideas out before someone interrupts you.
None of those strategies will reduce your anxiety, however. In fact, they’re likely to make you feel more anxious.
Here are a few ideas to try instead, when you have something to say.
Slow down already. For most of us, our pitch rises as our pace quickens and we sound more anxious. So, take it easy … slow down and let your voice be more settled. Know that you’re entitled to the time it takes to express yourself; you don’t have to rush for anybody.
A couple of Stanford psychologists call it conversational space. In an experiment where people read sentences out loud at different rates of speed, they found that the more slowly the participants spoke, the more powerful, confident, and effective they felt.
Take a break. People who pause while they’re speaking also convey confidence and command. That might mean pausing for a beat at the end of a sentence … or even between phrases, where there would be a comma if you were writing instead of speaking.
That pause—you can think of it as verbal white space. It draws our ears to what you say, the same way white space on a page draws our eye to text.
And while you’re pausing, breathe. You’ll look – and feel! – more comfortable if you breathe all the way into your belly and all the way out. Your voice will be more fully supported and have a richer sound.
You’ll want to inhale and exhale through your nose, to avoid sounding tense and breathless. (It’s better for you anyway – your nose is designed to filter the air you take in.)
Put a period on it. You hear people often? talking about something they’re supposed to know about? their business, for example? And saying everything as if it’s a question instead of a statement?
If you’re one of those people, it’s undermining your credibility.
In American English, when the intonation goes up at the end of a sentence, listeners process what they’ve heard as a question, whether you intended it that way or not. When the intonation stays even, it’s a statement. And when it drops at the end of a sentence, we hear that as a command.
If you want to sound (and feel!) more confident and in-charge, lower your intonation at the end of a sentence. Or even at those mid-sentence pauses … just to let your strong presence sink in.
Let us hear you smile. We don’t just see the smile on your face; it comes across in your voice too. And it conveys warmth and friendliness and likability.
Yes, there are people who might still be negative in spite of our warmth and friendliness and likability. But don’t you imagine we at least open the door to conversation that’s less antagonistic when we start with those positive qualities?
Back to the senator being anxious about using her voice.
Plenty of people share that anxiety right now, and it may get worse before it gets better. I hope that we can also create communities of individuals willing to speak up. And also willing to listen up.
That seems like the best approach in our public and private lives, don’t you think?
