Listen to the audio version of this post here.
Why Don’t We Have a Conversation?
It was a delightful weekend with friends in Wisconsin. Their home is magnificent, the Madison area is beautiful, the conversation was fascinating, and there was lots of it.
The conversation made me think of you. It also made me see something about myself that was a little unsettling.
You know I’ve long advocated for better communication in business and in life. I’m a big proponent of talking. And of course, listening.
And yet, over the weekend, I noticed Nancy made a dinner reservation by … calling the supper club. I would have used Open Table. We wondered about the hours to tour the amazing Epic Headquarters. I was finding the info online while she was … talking to them on the phone.
We compared notes on coffee shops. Nancy goes into some cute little local spot and sits down to sip a latte, chatting with the barista as she does. I usually just hit the Starbucks drive-through.
She goes out of her way to create opportunities for conversation. I seem to have fallen out of that habit.
I wrote years ago about the snafus we can create when we default to texts and emails instead of actually talking with people. Nothing has changed for the better since then.
Why don’t we have a conversation?
No matter what business you’re in, I’m betting this sounds familiar. Email’s long since become the default for interacting with customers and colleagues and everyone else.
At big companies, people notoriously send Slack messages to individuals sitting right down the hall or across the room.
Younger people gravitate toward texting instead; many millennials never answer their phone, they don’t even listen to voicemails. Sure, you can call them—you’ll get a text in return. If you’re lucky.
There are some advantages to typing versus talking. But, oh, what we give up!
The choice: convenience or communication?
Some of us skip the conversation and send an email or text because it’s quick and efficient. No need for niceties: “Hello.” “How are you?” “What’s new in your world?”
With our fingers flying, we get right down to what needs to be said, sign off (or not), and move on to the next item on our to-do list. Not a moment wasted in idle chit-chat. There’s no arguing about how easy that is.
And when it comes to convenience, asynchronous is a wonderful thing. You can shoot me an email or a text when you first think about it. Or when you can carve out a moment from the mountain of other things you have to do today.
Then I can respond when it suits me—and fits into my busy day. You may get impatient for a reply, but theoretically, I can control my time by answering emails and texts when I’m good and ready.
Productivity gurus often recommend scheduling email replies two or three times a day, rather than getting sucked into immediate action on someone else’s agenda.
Exchanges that aren’t time-bound are easier for all of us. They’re close to essential for teams that work in different time zones.
And yet …
We give up a lot when we take the more convenient approach to communication. Yes, we can impart information quickly screen-to-screen. But there’s so much missing, isn’t there?
Those easy-to-send messages may well be misinterpreted. I snapped that time an email showed up that was dismissive, insulting and rude by design. Or, could it be she’d just tapped a quick note into her phone in the middle of some other pressing activity?
Whatever—I ascribed meaning to the tone I “heard” in that email. And let’s just say my interpretation didn’t do anything to bolster my relationship with the sender. You’ve been there, right?
Even setting aside possible miscommunication, it turns out the time-and-convenience factor is often overrated.
Instead of taking a few minutes to call somebody, we opt for a fast text or email to save time. Then there’s a misunderstanding. And we eat up way more time than we would have spent on a call, going back and forth in emails, trying to unscramble the egg.
It might have made sense to talk in real time. Maybe even in person (now there’s a red-hot idea).
Let’s have a conversation.
I’ve been playing with the words as I thought through what I wanted to say to you here. Communication … connection … conversation.
Maybe one reason some people seem to shy away from conversation is in the root of the word. Latin—”keeping company with.” Middle English—”living among, familiarity, intimacy.”
There’s not much intimacy in a text, is there? It might feel much more comfortable to communicate that way. And still, it’s missing something. That sense of “keeping company” with the other person could be what we all need.
I came home from my visit vowing to have more real-time conversations even if they come at the expense of convenience. How about you? You can post a comment here to share your thoughts. Or … we could have a conversation.
I love this, Catherine!! Your newsletters are always challenging and this one I will definitely put into practice this week. One thing I have been thinking about is how the older we get the more our default mode is to self protect because of all the hurts along the way. Without meaning to, I have become somewhat phone averse…there is so much more love in personal conversations. That’s it, I am calling you this week to catch up, my friend! You are a gem!!
That’s interesting, Teri. You’re right–if I’m not sure what reaction I’ll get, a text feels much safer than a phone call. Looking forward to TALKING with you soon.
Hi Catherine,
We have known each other a long time and through thick and thin….you know I talk alot. Where is the line drawn to determine talking to “keep company” and verbosity……just asking for a friend.
Cindy
The line is sometimes blurry, Cindy. And you can count on me to point it out …
Guilty as charged! But, in my defense, I’d call more often if people answered their phone! I confess, though, that I seldom answer my phone on the first call, because 8 out of 10 calls are spam, even with two spam filters. Yes, email is now viewed as “quaint.” We even have AI now to auto-complete our sentences. (Am I totally unnecessary?) And, yes, the world has definitely shifted to text. (Does it count as conversing if I verbally dictate my texts?) 🙂 Ironically, though, as I wrote in a recent blog post, whether it’s written or spoken, we all still long for connection and community wherever we can find it. (https://pilgrimontheloose.com/2024/03/16/comments-anyone-anyone/)
It’s true, Verla, most people don’t answer their phones when I do call. So I leave a message, and a round of phone-tag ensues. I know many people, including those in our cohort, prefer a text first. “Can you talk?” and then they’ll have a conversation.
I’ve just begun experimenting with talk-to-text. It’s convenient, but Siri doesn’t always understand what I’m saying … and the texts can turn out to be hilarious.
I agree! I am so spoiled to be able to dictate text messages. But I, too, have had some startling accidents in what showed up on the printed page That abort no resemblance to what I said. 🤪
Yes, talk-to-text can create a whole world of misunderstandings, Verla. I can usually figure out from the context what a texter meant to say. But somethings it remains a mystery!
How interesting, Catherine, that you asked me to post but not to call you. In fact, you didn’t leave your number. After 20 years in individual/family health insurance, our book of business stays steady because we are on the phone with our clients. Even conferencing with them and the insurance company, their doctor’s office or the government. Younger people send us an email saying, “Got your name, I’m 26, how much?” And we must educate them to the fact that insurance requires asking questions and receiving answers in a conversation. But 70% of our over 65 clients stayed with us when they went to Medicare because they could talk to us. I love calls because not only can you trade information and immediately correct misinformation, there’s an opportunity in to be kind, share a joke, laugh together. Makes my day.
In fairness, Rebecca, I did suggest a conversation. Anyone likely to take me up on that probably knows my number. Well, nobody “knows” numbers anymore, so I really mean they have my number stored in their phone. I always think I should make a paper list of those phone numbers, just in case my phone got lost or stolen.
I’m sure in your business, it’s much better to talk with a client than to email or text. It’s interesting how hard it is to get anyone in a medical office on the phone. They want everything to go through their portal or My-Chart or whatever they call it. Seems like they think talking with a patient is a waste of time.
Thanks, Catherine, for the shout out. I actually learned something new about myself. It never occurred to me that chatting on the phone, or face-to-face, was that difficult. I find that most people are so tired of emails and texts that they actually welcome a friendly voice. As I read the comments, they all sound like talking to someone is difficult and they dread it. Maybe flipping the switch would help.
When I talk to the barista or the banker or the person at the front desk, I’m just looking to brighten their day. To share a smile with them and hopefully make them feel better in the process. What do I get in return? The same thing. For one moment in my day, I see a friendly face, hear a friendly voice and maybe even learn something new. It’s not that hard, and so, so rewarding.
For some people it really does seem difficult, Nancy. I have a friend who feels like the phone weighs 25 pounds…just picking it up is an effort. And maybe more of us don’t mind talking on the phone, but default to what’s quick and easy instead. I’m taking a cue from my weekend with you and committing to more of that keeping company.
Aloha Catherine! Conversations are indeed magical! I’ve been thinking of you and there’s so much to share. Let’s get together and have a conversation–maybe three weeks from now? By then I’ll have forgotten all the things I’d love to talk to you about.
It’s nice that by the time we get together we’ll have other things to talk about, but it’s even nicer that I can send you a text or an email with an article or a quotation (and it’s lovely that you respond.) We are blessed that we have so many ways to communicate–besides just in person conversations. And we don’t have to wait on the Pony Express for an intimate letter (don’t get many of those these days.)
Yes, multi-channel communication is wonderful, Carol, and not just for marketers. I do like those quick texts or emails in between conversations. I just don’t want to default to quicker and easier all the time. I need to keep conversation in the mix. And I don’t know if I can wait three weeks. I have news to share …
As things usually do, this evoked the lyrics of a song in my mind. What is less usual for me, is it is a Pink Floyd song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbOTkDn49qI&pp=ygUVcGluayBmbG95ZCB0YWxrIHRvIG1l
Well that was apropos, Barrington!
This article made me realize why I was in a good mood after my Target run (well that always brightens my day😂) and then a stop at the grocery store. At Target I had 5 cards to pick out. Each one made me emotional because they were all for people I love… so I took great care in picking the right one. I was trading places with another shopper and told her that cards make me tear up. She was a little surprised at that and I said they were for special people. When I was done she was still there and then asked if I had found the right ones. And then I told her to have a good day… when I checked out I went to the regular checkout line instead of self checkout which I usually do. I had a bunch of stuff ( of course… it’s Target 😂)
We exchanged our “have a good day”.
Next at the small grocery store they only have cashiers. Another meaningful “Have a good day”. I guess what I’m getting at is that those small interactions made me HAVE A GOOD DAY. ❤️
This is so interesting, Betsy. I’d rather do anything than go to Target and the grocery store. In fact, Frank did almost all of those errands for us. Of course, you’ve reminded me that he enjoyed the conversations he had in the process. That’s why a Whole Foods cashier, our florist, and the folks from The Fish Guy all came to the memorial gathering. He loved talking to them, and they appreciated those moments too.
Frank was on to something. And so are you!
This is a wonderful article, summarizing what is missing in society these days. Maybe that is why events like farmers markets are so popular.
Hey thanks, Mary. I’m so glad you dug this piece. And yes, a lot of chitchat accompanies those produce purchases at the farmers market.