Listen to the audio version of this post here.
How Many Times Have You Smiled Today?
Your answer to my question may depend on your age!
Little kids smile or laugh hundreds of times a day. By the time we’re in our twenties, those numbers are in steep decline. And they keep going down even further as we get older. Then, by the time we get to be about 80 years old, the smile count creeps back up a little bit.
Interestingly, these numbers from Gallup have come under some challenges. Tracking down the data has been enough to wipe the smile off my face!
No matter what the exact numbers, though, women have some concerns about smiling. They often worry that if they smile too much, they’ll look like lightweights. Clients, colleagues, company bigwigs won’t take them seriously if they’re grinning all the time.
On the other hand, if they consistently walk around looking ultra-serious, they’ll be considered cold, unfriendly, or supercilious.
It feels like a no-win situation!
Sadly, their concerns are not misplaced. People do judge us by our appearance, and they do it quickly.
They decide in about seven seconds whether they like us, trust us, or want to know us better. And some say those impressions begin to form in the first second someone lays eyes on you.
So how do we strike a balance?
It’s a conundrum. How serious should a woman be—or appear? When is it better to lighten the mood with a smile? And how much of the time should we keep our face more neutral?
I wish I had a formula for that, I’m not sure there is one. I do know context counts – it matters what you’re talking about, where, and with whom.
And then there’s your natural style; that makes a difference too.
Some of us, without any particular effort, come across as serious. We lead by inspiring deference or even fear in the people we hope to influence. Others of us are so warm and caring and likeable that people want to go along with our suggestions
The best communicators find a balance. Call it a dance between commanding a room and connecting with the people in the room. Or between strength and warmth.
Those two qualities, strength and warmth, are the main criteria by which we judge others, according to communication strategists John Neffinger and Matthew Kohut.
Strength is the will and the ability to shape the world around you.
It invites respect and even compliance. Undiluted, strength can also look like intimidation or coercion. You may not be surprised to hear that biologically, strength is connected to testosterone.
Warmth is all about empathy and caring and making people comfortable
It invites affection and a sense of belonging. Taken to extremes, warmth can come across as submissiveness and people-pleasing. And yes, it’s associated with estrogen and oxytocin.
Good news. It’s possible to have both.
Neffinger and Kohut explain it in Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential.
“People who project both strength and warmth impress us as knowing what they are doing and having our best interests at heart, so we trust them and find them persuasive. They seem willing (warm) and able (strong) to look out for our interests, so we look to them for leadership and feel comfortable knowing they are in charge.”
Of course, it’s not always easy to hit that balance between strength and warmth. They’re in direct tension with each other!
And most of us have a natural tendency toward one or the other. Whether that’s by nature or nurture, who knows? But generally, men are more likely to project strength, and women are more likely to seem warm.
You may already be thinking about which quality feels most familiar to you. As people get to know you, are they struck by the strength they perceive? Or are they drawn to your warmth? Either way, you’ll have more influence if you cultivate the quality that’s less automatic for you.
Maybe you’re thinking, “I’m good with that strength thing, but how the heck do I make myself warmer?”
Here are a few suggestions for creating a perception of warmth.
- Yes, it may seem obvious, but smiling is one big way to demonstrate warmth.
- Engage in conversation, with an emphasis on listening to the other person and validating their feelings.
- Get physically close. Reducing the distance lets people know you’re comfortable with them and they can be comfortable with you.
- Tilt your head. Exposing your neck conveys vulnerability.
And what if you need to shift in the opposite direction?
To project more strength …
- Maintain an upright posture—spine straight, shoulders back and down, head up. Taking up more space makes you look larger; that’s associated with dominance.
- Open up the space between you and them. Keeping a bit of distance, giving yourself room to use big gestures will convey strength.
- Use crisp, direct sentences with no fillers like “um” or “uh.” The silent pause between thoughts makes you sound strong and sure of yourself.
- State your case without qualifiers or apologies. “I think, maybe, if you don’t mind…” is much weaker than “Here’s what we should do…”
And then there’s this bit of advice.
That master of influence, Al Capone, you might say he was ahead of his time on this business of blending strength and warmth.
Capone said, “You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.”
What about you? Are you already thinking about how you can do the strength-and-warmth dance?
I’m not issuing a command, of course, but I’d be delighted if you’d connect by adding a comment below.
