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Keep the Ball Rolling

There I was in the fitness center at my new home, thinking about you.

You might know I’ve just moved out of my Chicago bungalow after 42 years (!) and into an apartment in a beautiful suburban building. I’m eager to get to know my new neighbors.

That’s why I was so happy to chat with one of those neighbors when I got on the elliptical machine next to his.

I could tell you a lot about Harold—when he moved in, where he lived before, where each of his kids lives, which part of the year he’s here and when he leaves for a warmer spot, how old he is, and … well, you get the idea.

What do you suppose Harold knows about me after our chat on the elliptical machines?

That’s right. Nothing.

Harold forgot about taking turns.

You know somebody who grabs the conversational ball and runs with it every time you get together, don’t you? Maybe it’s a friend, or a family member, maybe a colleague.

You two get together at a meeting, over lunch, or even on the phone. And before much talk-time passes, you know exactly what’s been going on in their life, and how they feel about it, and what they plan to do about it. And on and on and on.

This person might be interesting, intelligent, even insightful. And yet … you walk away from that interaction feeling unsatisfied. It seems that something was missing in the conversation.

That something was you, wasn’t it?

We learned as kids, most of us, to take turns when we played. Moms and dads and teachers were always on us. “Let your little brother go down the slide now.” “Wait for your turn at bat.” “Yes, you have to share your favorite doll/race car/crayons.”

Here’s the thing. That same turn-taking happens now, or it should anyway, as we adults engage in the activity of conversation. And it’s clear that some people haven’t quite absorbed that childhood lesson.

Over-talking, monologuing, monopolizing the conversation … it’s common. And it’s especially a problem when it comes to business.

You know professionals who have trouble—especially in sales conversations.

They told their potential client all about the terrific service they offer, how skilled they are at their work, and the many people they’ve served in the past. They just don’t understand why the person said “No” or simply ghosted them.

We can explain that, can’t we?

With all that important information they felt they had to get across now or they might never get another chance, they neglected turn-taking. When the pressure is on, when we feel we must make a good impression, or when we’re super excited about the topic at hand, it’s really easy to run off at the mouth.

And when we do, we leave the other person feeling neglected or even disrespected. And not at all eager for another conversation with us.

Are you starting to think about some recent conversations of your own? How often did you give them the floor? How long did you yammer about your own experience before you did? How actively did you demonstrate interest in what the other person was saying, instead of just waiting for the noise to stop?

You’re not alone.

I intentionally work at turn-taking, thanks to a friend who told me years ago when I was in the midst of some young-lonely-woman-drama, that I had a tendency to say more about it than anybody not named Catherine wanted to hear.

Okay, she was a little bit gentler than that, but I got the message. I’m very conscious of taking turns in conversation.

And yet, I still sometimes pull myself up short, realizing that it’s past time to stop talking and start listening. Especially now, in the midst of my new-home-missing-the-old-one-trying-to-make-friends drama.

I have a lot to talk about. My friends are eager to know what’s happening. Still, are they going to keep calling if all I do is carry on about the challenges of cramming my belongings into a much smaller space?  I don’t think so.

And I want to know what’s going on in their world too. It’s important for me to take turns.

Here’s my best tip for polishing your turn-taking skill.

Use tag questions liberally. As the name implies, those are questions we tag onto the end of a sentence, or sometimes a paragraph. “Isn’t it?” “Did you?” “Haven’t we?”

The Grammarist says tag questions can “express uncertainty, check listener comprehension, or sharpen an affirmative statement. They also help listeners engage more actively with the speaker’s message. The purpose of question tags is to facilitate communication.”

I say, “Communication is always two-way.” And tag questions help us create meaningful two-way communication.

When you hear yourself saying more than really needed to be said just now. When you notice that your conversational partner is becoming less engaged. When you realize it’s time to take turns already. That’s the time to drop in a tag question.

And don’t just wait for a nod or a grimace or a smile in response. Give them a chance to answer your question. It’s their turn.

Many of my clients have acknowledged that this is a challenge, especially in sales conversations. They wonder how to hand over the conversational ball without sounding phony or forced?

Easy enough. The words they’re looking for when they’re not sure how to open the floor for the other person are: “And you?”

Seriously. It’s that simple. Wrap up your point and finish with, “And you?” and you have the makings of a real, two-way, turn-taking conversation.

At least that’s what I think. And you?