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Let us finish
Isn’t it frustrating when you’re trying to make a point in a meeting and somebody cuts you off? Chances are you know that feeling well. Especially if you’re a woman.
Maybe you’ve seen the essay floating around social media about women being interrupted more often than men. It cites research in conference rooms and classrooms, and even the Supreme Court chambers.
That last one rang a bell. I wrote about the court’s gender dynamic nearly a decade ago, pointing out that even women in real positions of power can’t count on finishing their thought before some guy jumps in.
The female justices are interrupted nearly four times as often as their judicial brethren. And no, there’s no safety in numbers. In fact, as more women were appointed to SCOTUS, the rate of interruptions increased.
Here’s how the researchers made sense of it: “This lends support to research results in other areas that show that men react against women entering their domain in more than token numbers by increasing their aggressiveness against the women.”
It’s as irritating now as it was then!
It might be time to rethink my conclusion, though.
First, I was definitely right about the impact of all that interrupting. That’s why people are still writing about it!
Women feel overlooked and under-heard when they can’t finish their thought. They may shut down or even leave the organization altogether. Then the organizations miss out on their worthwhile ideas.
And tension in the air hurts working relationships and diminishes productivity.
Here’s where I may have gone wrong.
I had some suggestions for changing the pattern of women being interrupted. And they’re solid communication tips, for anyone who wants to make their voice heard.
So, what’s the problem with this advice?
Stop softening. The research suggests women are interrupted less when they begin to talk more like men in one particular way. Over time, each of the women on the Supreme Court has held her conversational ground by dropping phrases like “May I ask …” or “Could I ask …” or “Excuse me …”
When you skip what they call “framing” and just get right to the heart of what you want to say, you give a guy less opportunity to interject.
Don’t yield to conversational bullies. Yes, it might feel awkward to keep talking when that man is starting to blather over you. Go ahead and feel awkward. And keep talking anyway.
You might even say, “I’m still talking.” Or “Let me finish.” Okay, “Please let me finish” if you’re driven to be polite in the face of rudeness.
Band together with other women. At the Obama White House, women reacted to being outnumbered and interrupted with “amplification.”
When one woman came up with a good idea, another would repeat that idea, giving credit to the woman whose idea it was. That made it harder for the men in the room to ignore the notion. Or to claim it as their own.”
Those are all solid suggestions for making ourselves heard, right?
If I speak in a tiny voice, put a question mark at the end of my sentences, or trail off every time someone else tries to jump in, I’m going to have a hard time getting my point across.
But that’s only half the equation, isn’t it?
Here’s where I finally got it right, putting some of the onus on the other side.
The men among us could just stop interrupting. Which is not as easy as it sounds. If you want to stop—or even notice—your own manterrupting, here’s an exercise to try.
Put your lips together firmly. Really feel the sensation of your lips, almost as if they were glued together. Stay with that sensation as your conversational partner talks.
Let her finish her whole thought. Yes. Her whole thought. Then wait a beat before you open your mouth to speak.
If you’re like most people, you’ll notice yourself wanting to jump in, feel your lips trying to come apart. I’ve had clients start writhing in their chairs as they experience the competing urges to weigh in with their very important point…and to keep their lips together in the spirit of the exercise.
It’s useful to have that experience. To become conscious of how often we cut somebody off. And ultimately to change that habit.”
The people who run meetings have a role to play too. The research suggests that when a meeting chair says things like “Let her finish,” or “Hold on a minute,” or “One at a time, please,” the interruptions tend to subside.
The floor is yours …
How have you and your colleagues made sure everyone gets to finish their thought before someone else snatches the conversational ball and runs with it? I’m eager to hear what you have to say. Leave a comment below.
