You’ve probably seen the same social media situation. Some of my friends have left Facebook altogether to escape the venom and vitriol that seems to have exploded there. One friend just left me; he was offended by comments from my other friends and blamed me for not shutting them up.
I’ve always wanted connections to people with different perspectives. Why live in a bubble where everyone shares my point of view? I’d rather encourage an exchange and even, in a perfect world, have fun with it.
Oh, once in a while I delete a comment that’s too vicious or vulgar. Sometimes, I ignore the itch in my eager-to-respond finger tips and keep scrolling. I’m all for engagement, but there’s no need to get into a spitting contest that can’t possibly end well.
For the most part though, I want to explore different viewpoints. And I’ve wondered lately if I’m alone in that – so I asked (who else?) my Facebook friends.
How do they handle the hostility in their newsfeeds? Some of them are ready to go at it with every wrong-headed friend-of-a-friend. Some just unfriend you at the first hint of disagreement.
I found people falling into a few Facebook camps.
If you don’t like ‘em, ditch ‘em
- “When a post expresses disrespect for anyone on any basis, displaying a lack of empathy and compassion, I will block that poster whether I know him or her or not. I don’t want that bigotry in my world.” – Pam
- “FB has not changed, it is the way people use it that has changed. I have been unfriended by political bigots and have done my share of unfriending. – Sherman
- “Once things get nasty, vulgar, name-calling and disrespectful, people will be deleted and blocked. It’s basically setting ground rules.” – Debbie
- “I tell the haters and ranters to take it to their own page. I delete posts all the time or if the whole conversation gets out of hand, I delete the whole thing. – Sue
- “There’s the right to freedom of speech, not freedom of hate. As far as social media, I don’t want to associate with hate. It’s unfriend and block.” – Ed
- “It’s your page, your rules, your show. I’ve seen people be rude and obnoxious to me when I DARED to voice my opinion. To prevent any further foolywang, I deleted and blocked them. You should see my delete-and-block list. LOL.” – Kathryn
Learn to love the battle—these guys do
- “Most times, I like a vigorous debate. I’m not bothered by different opinions or being corrected if I’m wrong.” – Chris
- “I appreciate differing opinions! If you seal yourself off from differing opinions, you become Trumpish!!” – Mick
- “The left is unhinged since Trump was elected, sick response is all they know.” – Paul
- “Being friends with someone doesn’t mean we have to walk in lockstep. It’s OK to disagree. And if someone calls you a name, GROW UP, get over yourself, consider the source and move on.” – Jack
- “I have never unfriended anyone over political posts. Course I’ve been blocked and had the f-bomb dropped on me more times than I can count. I think I’ve got 4 liberal friends left on FB. LOL.” – Phil
Keep them around…sometimes with a caveat
- “I never read what I consider to be vitriol, from whatever point of view. Whether left-leaning or right-leaning, my friends are precious to me, and I love you all. We are all each others’ history, and that is most important.”—Nancy
- “People are NOT identical so why should we expect someone to have the same viewpoint? I’ll read, at times I’ll rant, but then I remember why we were friends in the first place, so I allow them to have their rant, and I go on!” – Cindy
- “There is too much politics and anger on Facebook. I can be friends regardless of your politics…but sadly many people are wound so tight that if you have another view you must be the enemy…sad.” – Jack
- “I have friends on both sides politically who will never consider the other side. I just enjoy their personal posts and ignore the political posts.” – Kathy
- “You and I appear to be on opposite ends of the political spectrum. Knowing these things, should you post something from the heart, but I disagree with it, it’s up to me to either comment or accept you just the way you are, and scroll on. We don’t have to agree on an issue to stay friends.” – Steve
Men and women and “friendly” debate
Anybody else notice the gender differences? Both men and women said they’ll get rid of those who offend them. Same with tolerating political differences and focusing on other things.
But the ones who relish the disagreement, who are spoiling for a fight—they’re all men. And that mirrors my Facebook experience.
These guys whose point of view on most things is way different from mine show up over and over to tell me I’m wrong. They get mixed up in heated exchanges with my other friends who wonder why I let these pugnacious people play in my sandbox.
I’m convinced they have redeeming qualities. And I always want to know what people on “the other side” think.
I’m curious about the gender question. Are the put-up-your-dukes types mainly men because of social conditioning? Hormones? Neurological differences?
So what’s the best response to the increasingly toxic social media environment?
At last count, there were 83 comments on my post about hostility on Facebook. You’ve seen a handful of them, lightly edited. Many people wrote at length about their online experience and their feelings about it.
How to improve that experience and feel better about it?
- Pause before you reply – It’s the old “count to ten” trick applied to a keyboard. Give yourself time to get past that first flush of anger/upset/outrage. Then decide how to respond.
- Agree first – If there’s anything you can accept about what they said, acknowledge that before you launch into your opposing view about the rest of it.
- Hose down hot language – Choose not to turn up the temperature on an already heated exchange.
“I see it differently” is one of my own favorite Facebook phrases. As opposed to the increasingly common “you’re a moron,” “how could you be so stupid?” and “what’s the matter with you?”
Maybe you’ve noticed the tension too. How are you dealing with it?
Post a comment below about cutting back on screen time, deleting those feisty friends, or arming for bear every time you sign into Facebook.
I hope you write a book one day on communication – Proper, Improper and Everything in Between.
I truly enjoy your Facebook posts. They are usually one of the more intelligent dialogues I read that always offer different viewpoints. You have one regular to whom I would love to respond, but it won’t do any good because it would add fuel to the high flaming fire. He doesn’t have the capacity to open his mind, clearly. So, I scroll on while exercising my eyes with a good ol’ eye roll and a deep saddened breath for him.
Catherine, you have such a talented approach to engaging friends to discuss topics for debate/reflection/discussion. You definitely see the hunger to partake in such discussions by the number of responses and ongoing discussions. Keep doing the good work. The viewpoints are educational, enlightening and thought provoking.
I’m grateful to be your friend on and off FB. Cheers!
And I like having the different viewpoints in those dialogues, Cindy–even the ones that exasperate me. This whole dialogue is convincing me, though, that I need to be more active in policing what people post on my timeline, and even deleting some of it. I resisted that for a long time, but I hate having someone I really care about mad at me because of what another guy posted.
I’m touched by your intention to scroll on “with a deep saddened breath for” I-know-who-you-mean. If we could all react to the ugliness with sadness instead of (or even in addition to) anger, it might soften some of the barriers between us.
I like to hear different viewpoints if they include a well-reasoned argument, and that’s rare. I usually unfollow rather than unfriend, and I’ve had to block a couple of nasty people. Like you, I have been unfriended because of something a friend posted on my page. I’m a liberal, and what bothers me most is the sheer hatred my liberal friends display toward people on the right. They are a big part of the problem, and they are blind and deaf to it. I found myself getting sucked into the vitriol, so I’ve left Facebook temporarily for the sake of my physical health.
I have a similar reaction, Diane, when liberals get nasty–and they can get very nasty. I’m not so surprised when people in MAGA hats are crude and hateful, but it shocks me when folks on the left spew that venom. I don’t like it from any side, and I’m coming around to being a more active curator on my timeline.
I too have abandon facebook, manly due to the extreme negativity, but also grew board of seeing what others had for dinner or lunch:)
A very interesting time of year for you to bring this up Catherine as here in the upper peninsula of Michigan the leaves are in prime color change (and like us) beautiful because of the differences (or moods).
If we were all the same what fun would that be?
I agree, Jacques – it’s the differences that make things interesting. And fun. Of course some people are SO different that they get under my skin…but usually I can recover.
I’m with you on the dinner and lunch posts. It has to be one hell of a meal to merit space in my timeline! And that goes for prefab posts about kitties and puppies too!
Hi Catherine,
I once posted a political view on face book and I got bashed from gals that I went to high school with, I could not believe how angry they were and the names they called me. These were my friends and these were very mild mannered people. I never responded to the angry, as a matter of fact I deleted it from my page. I have made a rule for myself since then that I don’t post any political news or options and I don’t participate in any other peoples political rants. I only post positive things about myself, my family, my friends and my job. I think that the things we post on social media stay with us forever, I whole heartedly agree that everyone has a right to their opinion. But, unfortunately in the world that we live in today we can’t agree to disagree and just be friends, that does not exist anymore. I also try to teach my daughter to be very careful about what she posts and says on social media. Jobs, college and potential clients looking to do business with you will look you up n social media to see how you act and what your beliefs are. They will judge you for that and you may not get your dream job or dream client or dream college, if they find something they don’t like or something that tarnishes your reputation in there eyes. I guess that is a whole other topic……
Your daughter is lucky to have your guidance, Shelly! You’re right–kids can post things that come back to haunt them when it’s time for college interviews or a job search. Me, I’d hate to leave all the political discussion behind. I’m interested in what goes on in the world, and I dig the exchange with other people who share that interest. Yes, even the ones whose map of the world is different from mine.
I don’t blame you for your decision to say no to politics, though. It’s probably more peaceful confining your comments to other things. Too bad about your high school friends. I have several who see things very differently from me (they’re quoted in the article, in fact) and then some who are on the same page. So far, none of them have bashed me. They might roll their eyes when they read my posts. Or they might have decided NOT to read my posts. But we’re keeping the peace anyway.
Great article Catherine based on a very interesting Facebook discussion. While I don’t like the rants I enjoy the discussions you have on your feed where I can get different points of view. Many people are getting fed up with the vitriol so hopefully with your ground rules there can be civil, thoughtful and respectful discussions. I look forward to many more.
I really like the different points of view too, Kathy. I know some people want their FB news feeds limited to people who agree with them. Naturally, I like it when people think I’m right about something! But the exchange is so much more interesting when there’s some diversity in viewpoints. (And I’m glad yours is one of them.)