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Love, love me do.

We all want to be loved, don’t we? It’s a deep longing, to feel love from family, friends, or coworkers.

In fact, being loved may just be the secret to happiness. At least that’s what psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky says, and she’s been studying happiness for decades now. She gets a little impatient with people who want The Secret to Happiness.

And, if she had to boil it down, Dr. Lyubomirsky says what really makes us happy is love. Not necessarily loving somebody … but rather feeling loved by others. Which explains why her new book is called How to Feel Loved.  

Good news—no need to fix yourself.

In the quest to feel more loved, Dr. Lyubomirsky told The New York Times, most people’s move is to try to be prettier or smarter or a better cook. Whatever, we think changing something about us will make us more lovable.

Some, on the other hand, try to fix another person, maybe by making them more understanding or appreciative.

Instead of putting energy into changing anyone’s fundamental qualities, the key is to change the conversations we’re having. Specifically, she says, to listen better.

They’re more likely to love us when they feel loved by us and high-quality listening is the best way to make that happen.

So. Listen better to feel more loved.

You may well be reading this and thinking, “I’m a pretty good listener already, thank you very much.”

Here’s the thing. You might be wrong.

Dr. Lyubomirsky says the truth is, most of us could be a lot better at it. We often think we’re listening, when in fact, we’re just waiting for the noise to stop so we can talk. She suggests shifting our focus from responding to understanding.

You know how it feels when somebody can’t wait to hear what you have to say. They’re leaning in, looking right at you, eager to hear more.

Flip that around and you’ll make them feel like that—“Deeply seen, valued, and understood.” That fosters the feeling of love.

Yeah, yeah, you’re already a good listener, right?

That’s what we all say. I had the same thought, reading about How to Feel Loved. And yet, I could also describe a dozen times in just the past few days when I heard myself jumping in, starting to say something … and then realizing my conversational partner wasn’t finished with what they were saying.

This—giving people space to finish their thought, letting it sink in, and only then sharing my own thoughts—it’s something I’ve been working on for years. And clearly, I still have more work to do.

Practice can make us better listeners.

First of all, don’t interrupt. Beyond that, Dr. Lyubomirsky suggests we don’t offer advice unless the person explicitly asks for it. That makes sense, doesn’t it? Unrequested suggestions can shut down a conversation quickly.

Asking follow-up questions will help. Co-author Harry Reis says that can be as simple as saying, “Tell me more.”

This one kind of surprised me. The authors recommend against a general effort to listen better. Instead, they say to pick one person you want to feel more love from. And start with intentionally listening well to that one person.

Of course, that could be your spouse or romantic partner. And you could just as well focus on a friend or someone at work. If you really listen to them, whoever they are, you might well find the relationship shifting in the direction of more love.

“I’m in,” I thought.

But here’s where I ran into a challenge.

The suggestion is to have three conversations with your person in the next week, and make an effort in each one to show real curiosity.

There’s nobody I talk to three times a week!

I live by myself. My work is independent. I make sure I talk to somebody in person every day—that was a response to the loneliness that followed my husband’s death. But I don’t talk to any one person three times in a week.

So, I’m going to have to modify the experiment a bit. But I take Reis and Lyubomirsky at their word when they talk about the seesaw of giving and receiving love. You lift them up with your attention and curiosity—and they lift you in return.

Ready to give it a shot? Share your thoughts in a comment below.