Listen to the audio version of this post here.

“I’m sorry if anyone was offended”

Hard to believe, I know, but I was a bit ungracious to a few people not long ago. I was upset, and I let my emotion get in the way in a couple of conversations.

That same night, I forgot a guy’s name. A guy I know, have known for several years. I saw him for the first time in a long time, and I just went blank about his name. I was mortified.

All in all, I had some apologizing to do. And it’s not fun, is it, telling someone you regret the way you treated them, or what you said, or what you did? It’s hard. And many of us seem to be terrible at it.

Here’s some how-to on the subject of being sorry.

Psychologist Arthur Brooks, also a prolific author and podcaster, says there are three distinct processes involved in apologizing. Along with three parts of our brains.

Cognitive control involves making a choice to say you’re sorry, even though it can be difficult. The lateral prefrontal cortex makes that happen.

Perspective taking means we think about how the other person experienced what we said or did. We use the temporoparietal junction to step into their shoes.

And social valuation brings in the ventromedial prefrontal cortex to calculate how much our apology will help us and everyone else involved.

Acknowledging responsibility is the most important piece of a good apology. Then comes an offer to repair the damage, and then an explanation of what happened. These practical pieces of an apology are more effective than just expressing regret or asking for forgiveness.

Using that information, we can apologize effectively.

Brooks tells us to go into this remembering that an apology is more beneficial and less costly than we might think. A person might worry about losing face or looking weak. But the research shows we tend to underestimate the value of apologizing. It’s actually likely to make people admire us!

And, the key is to take full responsibility. You know those half-assed apologies you hear from politicians and celebrities? “If anyone was offended by what I said, I regret that.”  Or, even worse, “If you misunderstood what I meant, I apologize.” Comments like those put the onus on the other person.

Instead, we need to own what we’ve done. So it’s not, “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.” But rather, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”

When we straight-up say we’re sorry, we hope for a clean slate. We don’t always get it, of course. But in my experience, most people are willing to let bygones be bygones when they hear a genuine apology. And as Brooks says, even if that doesn’t happen, we have the satisfaction of knowing we did the right thing.

So how did it go for me?

I texted two friends: “Thanks for being with me last night! And I’m sorry I was so grumpy at the end… I should have been more gracious. I appreciate you two.” I got back lovely messages from both of them, and we’ll get together again soon.

And I used LinkedIn to connect with the man named Michael. “I’m so sorry I blanked on your name when we talked. Losing names has been happening to me lately and it scares me.” He wrote back, “No worries at all. It was great to see you again.” It sounded like my lapse was forgiven.

I couldn’t begin to say how my lateral prefrontal cortex or temporoparietal junction were working as I reached out to the three of them.

But, as Arthur Brooks predicted, I do feel good, knowing that I made an effort to make amends. I feel clean about the interactions.

It’s never easy saying “I’m sorry.”

It is worth doing, though. I’d love to hear people in public life doing it better. I think their “… if anyone was offended” comments are worthless. And they set a poor tone for the rest of us.

You’re probably better at it than they are. I hope you’ll share your experience with the giving or receiving end of an apology with a comment below.