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Seeing eye to eye
Maybe you’re talking to a roomful of people. Or maybe it’s just one or two. Either way, you want to use all the tools you have available, don’t you?
Your goal is to connect with people, demonstrate your confidence and expertise, and give them the information you have to share. That’s how you’ll persuade them to believe you and perhaps buy from you.
A lot of skills go into that, of course. And one is especially important.
Eye contact is a crucial communication skill.
When someone looks you in the eye and tells you exactly what’s on their mind, what impression does that create for you?
They’re serious, right? What they’re telling you is important. They’re telling the truth. They’re confident about what they’re saying. They’re focused on this conversation … and on you. You can trust them.
And what about someone who looks over your shoulder as they talk? Or stares at the floor? Or off to the side? Anywhere but straight at you.
You guess they’re hiding something. Or they’re not sure about what they’re saying. They may not really mean it; it might even be an out and out lie. Maybe they’re shy or self-conscious rather than dishonest. But when people evade our eyes, we assume we can’t quite trust them.
Eye contact can be a challenge.
Most of my clients tell me they’re just fine with eye contact. “It’s no problem at all,” they say. Then we try an experience or two.
Surprise! This eye contact thing isn’t as easy as it looks.
Despite their best intentions, people find themselves looking off to the side or up at the ceiling. Their eyes dart around the room. Some people close their eyes for longer than a natural blink, bringing down the curtain to cut off contact. Sometimes they smirk or giggle. They can’t sit still. They’re uncomfortable—and it shows.
What makes us look away?
A guy who had a hard time with it in a workshop told me, “I haven’t looked at my wife that long in years!” He got a laugh. And he was on to something. Steady, direct eye contact can feel intimate. You know, “windows to the soul” and all that jazz.
So, eye contact is a powerful way to connect with another human being. And it turns out some of us don’t want to connect, at least not with the human being in front of us.
You might feel vulnerable when you look someone in the eye. So, you take refuge by glancing away…sometimes more than glancing
There’s a natural impulse known as eye accessing cues.
Some are surprised by how hard it is to maintain eye contact. Truth is, looking up, off to the side, or down at the floor is completely normal.
Most people, when they recall an image, look up and to their left, because in their mind’s eye, the past is on their left.
On the other hand, trying to picture the child or grandchild they might have someday, they’d look up and to their right—if they could see that little one it would be in the future.
Remember the song they played for first dance at your wedding? You’ll likely look left (to the past) and sideways—at your ear. What is the sound of one hand clapping? You might search for that looking toward your right ear, because it hasn’t happened yet.
And we often look down, at our body, when we’re trying to find the words for physical sensations or inner feelings.
Because everyone’s eyes tend to track with our thoughts, there’s nothing wrong with looking away as we talk.
But what if your client asks, “Bottom line, what will this project cost?” Or your manager wonders what exactly went wrong with that project you were working on?
You don’t want to look around the room for an answer!
No. You want to look them right in the eye and answer the question, so you come across as honest, confident, and focused—they trust what you say because of that eye contact.
That’s why we work on it.
With practice, we can override those impulses and get past self-consciousness. We can use eye contact intentionally, even strategically.
Yes, it takes effort. I know it can be done though, because I had to do it.
As a new presentation skills trainer, I was shocked to discover I was terrible at eye contact. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I’d been in radio for 25 years! That’s a lot of talking to people without ever seeing them—or being seen.
Contact means contact
People will suggest looking at someone’s forehead, or the bridge of their nose. Faking it, because eye contact is uncomfortable.
Don’t even think about it. First, they’re not fooled. And, the connection we make with real eye contact benefits both of us.
Real eye contact means you’re not pulling your head back, so you end up looking down your nose at the person. I think that pulling away comes from fear, but people often think it looks snooty. Remember this: nobody’s charisma comes from their chin.
You might run into people who turn their face away and their eyes back toward you. That’s not it, either – don’t give us the side-eye!
You’ll make the best connection with full frontal eye contact. Here’s a visual that might help. Imagine your face is a spotlight. Shine it on the person you’re talking to. Bathe them in the light of your attention.
You’ll notice the difference in the quality of the connections you make.
Maybe eye contact seems daunting to you? Or you’ve experienced the shift that can happen when you lock eyes with someone. I can’t wait to hear about it in the comments section below.
PS: Different cultures have different rules about eye contact. Everything here applies to business—and life—in America, with Americans. Internationally, eye contact is a whole different story for another time.
