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Seeing it from Their Point of View

Sometimes you feel misunderstood, don’t you? It’s frustrating.

You base your opinion on an obvious fact, and they just don’t get it. Now what?

You might double down on what you said. Insist on explaining what you mean. Offer evidence to back up your position, the more detail, the better, right? Because then surely, they’ll see that you’re right.

Maybe there’s another way to handle those communication snafus that come up so often in emails, social media exchanges, and yes, in real, live, face-to-face conversations.

So often we start out to have a conversation, and wind up talking right past each other, whether we’re discussing a family situation, a misunderstanding with a friend, or a hot political issue. It happens because we’re not working from the same map.

The map is not the territory.

They call that the first principle of General Semantics, stated by Alfred Korzybski in 1931, and widely ignored ever since then.

Here’s the big idea. We take in information about the world around us using our five senses. We filter that information through our thoughts and feelings and past experiences.

And we develop our own perception of that information … our map of that territory. Our perception is not the actual person or thing or event we’re observing. It’s our mental construct about that person or thing or event.

That wouldn’t be a problem except for two things.

It’s easy to forget that we’re operating from our own map, and not from objective reality.

And we fail to take into account that everyone else has their own map too.

We expect them to see it our way. But how could they? If I gave you my map of Chicago, you’d have a hard time using it to find your way around Rockford, Minneapolis, or Tucson.

Even here in Chicago, my map won’t give me the experience of cruising Lake Shore Drive in a convertible, exploring the nooks and crannies—and restaurants—of Pilsen, or scrambling out the Kennedy to get to O’Hare on time.

It can point me in the direction of those experiences—but the map is just a representation, it’s not the reality.

It’s easy to see how this operates with controversial concepts.

Just take a moment to think about immigration and ICE. Rising medical costs and decreasing benefits. Or Donald Trump redecorating the White House.

Your mind instantly makes pictures. Emotions, opinions, and beliefs quickly appear. It’s not hard to guess that someone else would be having different emotions, opinions, and beliefs sparked by those exact words.

The same thing goes on even when the subject is not controversial at all.

Roses make you think of the bouquet your first serious boyfriend brought you. The smell of roses conjures up death to someone else. My father grew roses; I remember him coming home from work on a summer day and sipping a cocktail with my mom as they walked around the backyard reveling in every new bloom.

Home is where the heart is. Or maybe it’s a battleground? You struggled to buy yours and then you had to sell it when the economy went south.

Water. You remember that vacation at the lake and it puts a dreamy smile on your face. He’s furious about droughts in the Southwest and rising coastal waters elsewhere; the government should do something!  She knows she should drink more water, but then there are so many things she should do and why are people always telling her what to put in her mouth and when? It’s so irritating.

You see how even the simplest subject can take a person’s thoughts in a thousand different directions—and evoke emotions to match. Every one of us has a different experience of roses, home, water … and everything else.

So, when we talk about complex social issues, it’s no wonder we don’t see eye-to-eye.

You have one map. I have a completely different map.

And neither one of those maps is the territory. If we could keep that in mind, our conversations would be very different … and much more productive.

This offers a path to more meaningful communication and better relationships.

What if I could step into your map of the world?

We’ll never have exactly the same perspective; our experiences have been completely different. But even making the effort to see things from the other person’s point of view can loosen up entrenched opinions and allow for a more productive exchange.

How can we remember that neither one of us has a lock on reality?

Imagine yourself at a four-star restaurant. You’ve wanted to come here for a long, long time. Now’s your chance to splurge and you’re going to make the most of it.

You read the menu slowly and relish the elaborate, explicit descriptions of each entrée. You can see chef’s creations in your mind’s eye as you ponder which one to choose. You can almost feel each bite in your mouth and sense the flavors exploding on your tongue.

But you can’t eat the menu.

You can share a comment about your menu and your meal … your map and your territory … with a comment below.