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Smile! Or maybe don’t …

The outraged commentary—and there’s been a lot of it—has moved on from sexism to racism.

I’m still back on President Trump’s churlish response to a female reporter’s question because it has implications for the rest of us, in terms of the way men and women communicate. At work and in life.

You know the story. CNN’s Kaitlin Collins was trying to finish a question in an Oval Office gaggle. She was asking what Trump would say to survivors of Jeffrey Epstein, when the president jumped in to critique … her face.

“You are the worst reporter. No wonder — CNN has no ratings because of people like you. You know, she’s a young woman. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile. I’ve known you for 10 years. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a smile on your face.”

Reaction was swift.

Turns out the world is full of women who are sick to death of being ordered to smile.

Collins herself pointed out to the president that she was asking him about a serious subject—survivors of sexual abuse. He just talked right over her, saying CNN should be ashamed of her.

Then came the op-eds, talk shows, and blogs.

The essay in Glamour was typical. “It is not appropriate to reprimand a woman for not smiling while she is doing her job. It is infantilizing, disrespectful, and one of the most banal forms of sexism.” 

On Substack, Jo Carducci, better known as JoJofromJerz described the exchange as “commentary on a woman’s facial compliance, as if accountability requires perkiness, as if trauma should arrive accessorized with cheer, as if women owe visual pleasantness on demand to every petulant, power-soaked creep who doesn’t like the question.” 

Even bots know better than to tell a woman to smile! Google’s Gemini explains, “it stems from a, usually, male-driven entitlement to control a woman’s appearance, actions, and emotions to conform to societal expectations of being pleasant and approachable.”

Further, “It is a form of micro-aggressive, often public, harassment that imposes traditional gender roles on women, suggesting they exist to be aesthetically pleasing to others, rather than experiencing the full range of human emotion.”

You may be thinking, President Trump is hardly alone in his insistence on smiley-faced women, and if so, you’re entirely right.

I tackled the topic of gender-based expectations for facial expressions in Show Up and Shine, and I wrote that book thirteen years ago! It included the story of the guy at the grocery store telling me, “You’d be so much prettier if you’d smile.”

There is a glimmer of hope, though.

Some of the discussions about the president’s demand made much of his age. The pundits pointed it out as a grandpa-like comment. They made it seem that young men don’t insist on smiles in the same way older guys always have.

I’m wondering if we’ve made some progress when it comes to the old expectations that women will be decorative and docile.

You might guess, I don’t have a whole lot of opportunities for in-person research on that question of how young men converse. I do have ChatGPT, though.

And it tells me young men do still tell women they’d look so much better if they’d smile, but ChatGPT adds “it’s much rarer, more situational, and often comes with instant social consequences.”

What sort of consequences? “Most Gen Z guys know that telling a woman to smile is loaded, annoying, and likely to get them side-eyed (or roasted) by friends.”

And they have that knowledge because the call-out culture works. “Between social media, memes, and straight-up public corrections, the phrase has been thoroughly labeled as cringe.”

And nobody wants to make people cringe, right? So maybe the days of politicians, colleagues, and random strangers on the bus ordering women to put on a happy face are winding down.

Can you contribute to my research?

You can help us all learn how much the smile demands are really decreasing. Looking forward to reading about your observations in a comment below.