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all about who
Staying in tonight?
When was the last time you hosted a dinner party? Met a friend for coffee? Got together with pals to play cards?
If you’re like most of us, the answer is, “Now that you mention it, Catherine, it’s been a while.”
And that’s why they’re calling this the Century of Solitude.
We’ve heard a lot about loneliness in the past couple of years. You might remember when the Surgeon General urged us to get out there and make connections because loneliness is so bad for our health.
An essay in The Atlantic takes this concern a step further. It’s not that we’re sitting around by ourselves feeling miserable, according to Derek Thompson’s piece. It’s that we’re choosing to be alone rather than in company with others. And this individual preference has some big consequences.
You might be thinking smart phones are the problem here. And they are. They’re not the only problem though. This drift toward more alone time began with much earlier technology.
People used to gather with neighbors of an evening, sit out on the porch and visit. Then cars made it possible to spread out so much, many of us don’t know our neighbors.
Our grandparents went to movie theaters for fun. Often. Then television brought the entertainment into our living rooms and theater-going declined. And homebuilding changed so rooms are built around screens, and we sit in our own bedrooms watching TV.
And then, the phone.
If you have a teenager in your home, you know they’re getting drivers licenses later, dating less, and hanging out with friends much less than we used to. And kids aren’t the only ones. Adults too are spending more time on screens and much less with other human beings.
Some of that screen time is social-ish. We’re FaceTiming or posting a TikTok video and presumably somebody else is watching it. But creating and consuming “content” is not the same as having a relationship, is it?
Well after the pandemic ended, presumably releasing us from home confinement, Americans are more likely than ever to meet, shop, eat, and even worship at home. Alone. It’s not just remote work we’re doing these days. Thompson points out it’s bigger than that. More like “remote life.”
We have all kinds of ways to entertain ourselves at home. And yet all of this streaming, gaming, and viewing has left us with a strong reduction in self-reported happiness.
And that’s the rub.
We seem to be choosing to stay home by ourselves even though it doesn’t make us happy.
A paper from the Philadelphia Fed says sociability means way more for happiness than money does. People who spend more time alone year after year become less and less happy.
You may be familiar with Nick Epley from the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business. He’s studied this issue for a long time in many ways. And here’s what he has to say in The Atlantic:
“A fundamental paradox at the core of human life is that we are highly social and made better in every way by being around people,” Epley said. “And yet over and over, we have opportunities to connect that we don’t take, or even actively reject, and it is a terrible mistake.”
And now there’s AI getting in the way of relationship.
Or maybe that’s an old-fashioned way to think about the AI “friends” becoming more popular. Seriously. Thousands of humans are using artificial intelligence now for companionship, many spending an hour and a half a day in conversation with their not-a-human.
It seems creepy to me, and maybe to you? But they point out it’s not that big a step from a text-chain with friends to connecting through a screen with a companion we’ve designed to say the right thing every time. So much of our conversation is screen-based already, the AI relationships don’t seem like a leap.
Can the increase in solitude be reversed?
Maybe so. Sometimes these changes in our society seem irreversible. But there are glimmers of Americans opting for real life, face-to-face communication over another night at home alone in front of a screen or two.
In The Atlantic, Thompson points to bookstores hosting authors. Readers are coming together in droves for book-signings. Schools are banning screens from the classroom. And board game cafes are opening around the country, bringing what used to be a game of Monopoly with your siblings in your living room into a whole new arena … with new people.
In my own life, there’s the North Mayfair Women’s Social Society. Kind of tongue-in-cheek name for women getting together once a month to have a drink, get to know each other, and develop real relationships. The kind neighbors used to have.
Some months it’s slow going, but gradually we’re growing. And even when there are only a few of us, we have fun. I have a particular interest in spending time with younger women. Most of my friends are within 10, 20 years of my own age. And it’s interesting getting to know, say, young mothers who are in a completely different phase of life.
What will you do to make connections?
Maybe you’re the AI companion type. Or maybe you see the value in real, human communication, the kind that happens when we’re sitting in the family room or maybe eating together at a restaurant.
I see myself sometimes, just wanting to stay home; it’s easier. And I’m making a deliberate effort to get out instead and engage with real people in the real world.
I’d like to hear how you’re doing that, too.
PS: The Atlantic article is a long one, and worth every minute of reading time. I’ve shared it with several friends already and now with you. This is a gift link, so there’s no paywall.
