You’ve heard the Congressional caterwauling about that Michigan congresswoman’s call to impeach Donald Trump. She didn’t use his name, referring to him instead in the most vulgar of terms.
Republicans are shocked, shocked(!) that any official would talk like that. You’d think they’d be used to it—they’ve listened to the president himself at rallies and debates and White House meetings. That guy frequently uses language that is, let’s say, unrefined.
Of course, some are defending Rep. Rashida Tlaib. Her fellow D.C. new-comer, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, pointed to Republicans excusing the president’s “locker-room talk” and called their criticism of Tlaib “hypocrisy at its finest.” She added, “GOP lost entitlement to policing women’s behavior a long time ago.”
Gender is undeniably a factor here. As is age, or generation. And, there’s the question of context. They all apply not just to elected officials but to you and me too.
When it comes to business, where do you draw the language line?
Men, Women and Swearing
My seventh-grade science teacher scolded me. “Shame on you! A nice girl like you, swearing like a truck-driver.” I couldn’t tell you now what I’d said; “hell” maybe. I’d certainly never dropped an F-bomb—I’m not sure I even knew the word at that age. (Mrs. Hanson was right. I was a nice girl.)
How about this, from the famously foul-mouthed Richard Nixon: “But you show me a girl that swears, and I’ll show you an awful unattractive person…I mean, all femininity is gone.”
Old notions about sex and swearing linger. Even now, people rate a speaker using expletives as dynamic and attractive, if they think it’s a man. If a woman’s name is attached to the same words, she’s labeled weak and repulsive.
So, it’s not surprising that people defend the president and other rough-talking men, even as they excoriate Rashida Tlaib.
Some women insist the only way to change things is to use verboten language with abandon. If wearing away age-old prejudice against salty words from women is our only concern, they might be right.
If, on the other hand, we care what colleagues or clients think of us, it behooves us to consider their feelings when we choose our words. It may not serve us well to take a stand for swearing when some stuffy someone is evaluating us and making decisions that impact our career.
The Generational Divide
Your grandma would likely disapprove of obscenities, no matter whose mouth they come out of, with a bigger tsk-tsk if there’s lipstick on that mouth.
Younger people are generally more tolerant of coarse language. The work management firm Wrike did a survey: Barely half of Baby Boomers admitted to swearing at work while 66% of millennials let it fly.
Younger folks say four-letter words convey ideas and reflect passion. Baby Boomers called them too casual and unprofessional.
While her congressional cohort defended Tlaib, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi acknowledged a “generational reaction” to the vulgarity. “I don’t like that language,” she said. “I wouldn’t use that language, but I wouldn’t establish any language standards for my colleagues.”
As for those of us who don’t work on Capitol Hill, it makes sense to consider who you’re talking to. The older they are, the less likely that they’ll cotton to cussing.
If their reaction to you is important … say, if they’re deciding whether to buy from you … it’s worth keeping your words squarely in their comfort zone.
Context Counts
Some of Rep. Tlaib’s defenders point out that she wasn’t at a Congressional hearing when she crudely insulted the president. She was talking to friends and supporters. In a bar, for cryin’ out loud. It’s a setting where the word she used is hardly shocking.
But the reality is this: Now that she’s a public official, she carries that context with her, no matter where she is. Voters, political opponents, the media…they’ll all be judging what she says and does everywhere.
She didn’t back down a bit when her label for the president went public. But if I were her political adviser, I’d tell her a little of that goes a long way. She’d be smart to find other ways to convey her contempt for Trump next time
I’m picturing my pals laughing as I take a stand for temperate language. Mrs. Hanson didn’t dissuade me—I’ve been known to drop a dirty word or two.
However, what I say in casual conversation with friends differs from my business language. While I’m all for authenticity, my vocabulary on stage doesn’t include some words I might use with a like-minded—or like-mouthed—girlfriend. (You know who you are.)
We’d all do well to make that kind of distinction and it’s not that hard to do. It’s true, I’ve had a lot of practice. Radio provided years of experience cleaning it up when the On-Air light went on.
You might imagine a red light in your office—a signal to switch to more restrained language. Not because you’re a people-pleaser or “a nice girl” but because it’s in your best interest to create a powerful professional presence. And you don’t need an expletive to do it.
Or maybe you think you do need those expletives? Post a comment below to take a stand on swearing in business. And you can use any language you want when you do.
When constant F bombs replace smart, sharp remarks, the individual displays laziness or ignorance.
When I was a military intelligence officer, I worked with some of the brightest soldiers in the Army. I had one soldier who used fuck every other word, or so it seemed. He sounded stupid. I finally gave an order that the F word was forbidden. He struggled and his vocabulary grew.
I will not swear on stage because I am there to help people, not offend them.
At home and among friends, I will very occasionally swear when I want to make a big impact. I am heard because I shock.
I’m with you about swearing on stage, Jill, although you know I’ve been known to use spicy language in casual conversations. Or mastermind meetings. I can’t imagine soldiers not being allowed to curse–they’re legendary for it. You did that guy a favor, though, by expanding his vocabulary.
When constant F bombs replace smart, sharp remarks, the individual displays laziness or ignorance.
When I was a military intelligence officer, I worked with some of the brightest soldiers in the Army. I had one soldier who used fuck every other word, or so it seemed. He sounded stupid. I finally gave an order that the F word was forbidden. He struggled and his vocabulary grew.
I will not swear on stage because I am there to help people, not offend them.
At home and among friends, I will very occasionally swear when I want to make a big impact. I am heard because I shock.
I feel it is a generational issue as well as an issue of faith and family background. I never use foul language because I was raised to see it as a sign of uneducated, poorly raised and disrespectful people. I do not do business with people who use foul language or use course language or tell dirty jokes. You never know who you may offend, so it is best to be cautious as foul language may offend unknowingly. There is simply no reason to muddy your reputation by using language like that. I find it particularly abhorrent when public servants use it, no matter which side of the political realm they are on. It is unprofessional and vulgar in my opinion….no upside as far as I can see.
Yes, I have a hard time imagining you spewing salty language, Teri. It would be incongruent with everything else about you. The research says younger people are more tolerant of vulgarity. And among Baby Boomers, at least, men are way more likely to use–and accept–crude language. (Makes me wonder if I was a man in a previous life?)
Catherine, Fun article. Interesting topic. This fall, my kids had friends over. I “accidentally” heard two of mine – yes, two of my very own teen angels – use a couple of expletives. I did not like the way it sounded coming out of his AND her mouth.
I can’t claim no-fault as some of my very own “Bad Mom” moments were exactly that – BAD. Ask me about my Santa story the next time we have lunch. I’m not winning “Mother of the Year” anytime soon.
However, after hearing them swear, I did not like how it sounded coming out of my angels’ mouths. I vowed to stop swearing which includes all words – even the “not swears” swears. It’s gone well, and I’ve surprised myself. Former beliefs of needing to use the words for alleviating aggression or expressing passion have gone by the wayside. I’ve just found that there is no need to use them.
Another surprise benefit, I actually feel better about myself having self-control and it wasn’t that difficult. Now, my kids do look at me funny when they expect a swear word to be used. And they love to see or “accuse me” of slipping up. It’s been pretty fun. Life without swearing is actually possible.
PS – Whst a pleasant surprise to see my photo and testimonial in this issue. Reminds me of the fun we had transforming my video presentation skills. I’ll be using them soon again. More fun to come! Cheers!
This is a big deal for parents, isn’t it, CIndy? I know other people who’ve cleaned up their language after they heard their own words coming out of a little one’s mouth.
I don’t remember my own parents swearing a lot–although there was the occasional “hell” or “damn.” I do remember using the F-word in front of my father in a moment of College Girl Rebellion. ONCE. I remember doing that once.
Personally, I almost never use so-called foul language (I laugh at the term) at work because I don’t know who will be offended. I have had bosses who seem to drop an f-bomb every other word. Two had PhD’s and one was a high-level executive. They were all good people, especially that high-level exec who helped me a lot in my career.
Would I judge someone for using colourful metaphors? Never. My late adoptive father had a big issue with that kind of language, to the point where a message would be lost on him if one swear word was used (by anybody), and I frankly found his sanctimony to be nauseating and often wondered if it was simply a convenient dodge so he could avoid acknowledging the other person’s point. So while I keep my language in check at work (and have a mouth like a drunken truck-driving sailor the rest of the time), I recall the lyrics of the old Eddy Howard song, “to each his own”. And if a colleague drops an f-bomb and then apologises, I immediately put them at ease by saying something like “Don’t worry about it. I’ve heard that word before, and you should hear the way I talk outside of work”.
Your description of your father reminded me of a guy I worked with at my first radio station, Patrick. Older than the rest of us, and a native Mississippian, whereas most of us were transplants. Also unlike my other colleagues, a deacon. He was famous for wagging his finger and admonishing, “Don’t say it!” when it sounded like an expletive was going to be the next thing out of someone’s mouth. Working with a bunch of kids just out of J-school, he had a lot of opportunity for finger-wagging.
Catherine – I understand your positions on gender, double standards and rights to choose.
I ask those who defend and need vulgarity to make their point or convince others .
What is your point ?
>Does profanity make you look smarter, stronger or more right than ?
>Does swearing prove your point and then diminish the opposite point of view ?
>Does obscene language open the dialogue for debate?
I invite those who need profanity to feel confident to examine the premise, Power versus Force .
Those 2 terms and way of being in the world are not the same and produce diametrically different results .
Lastly to the argument – because my opponent swears – I can too or I can be better with vulgarity
I say – what is your purpose in being a leader ?
I suspect some people do feel that profanity makes them (or maybe their opinions) seem stronger, Deb. There’s a kind of tough-guy talk that often includes vulgar language–that’s why we hear all those bleeps when they play recordings on the news of cops giving chase, for instance. Or think back to all those “expletive deleted” notations in transcripts of the Watergate tapes. I’d guess emulating that is appealing for some.
Language can be a way for people to bond. Groups often develop their own argot, sometimes intentionally. Other times a bent toward certain words just evolves among them. Not that in-group lingo is necessarily crude, but that’s not uncommon.
Your questions are interesting. I’d say spicy language rarely proves a point, but it can add emphasis. And I come back always to the question of context. A group of guys on a fishing trip might swear a blue-streak without offending anyone; those same gentlemen at a formal affair with their wives would likely use very different words.
Great article and food for thought. I had to look up what Rep. Tlaib said and my reaction was to laugh. While I’m not offended by swearing and there are no words I won’t use, I automatically exclude some in polite conversation with people who don’t use them (to my knowledge) and would use them sparingly, if at all, in a professional situation. Why is that? Does it make me a hypocrite? I think not. What is appropriate in one setting may not be in another — consider dress. Another question is whether fequent use of any word diminishes its impact. If you want it to make a big impression, perhaps best save it until you need to make a point. We certainly know where Ms. Tlaib stands …. ????
You’re so right about the setting making a difference, Linda, and how we dress is a great analogy. What’s acceptable for a casual night out with friends and what we wear for an important client meeting might be very different. Neither one is “wrong” — it’s just a question of context.
And yes to saving the big vocabulary guns for extreme situations. Even powerful words lose their impact when we hear them over and over.
Very nicely put, Catherine. I’m the tail end of the Baby Boom and saw my parents, myself and my children and many of my coworkers in your remarks. I can’t say that I never let an f-bomb fly at work, but when I have around those millennials, it certainly has an impact.
Thanks, Beth! Generational differences are such a study.
Would anyone outside of her district know who Rep. Rashida Tlaib is if she had NOT used profanity? Frankly, I am not any more or less shocked whether a man or woman uses profanity. I think less of that person no matter their gender. As I tell my children, the only time profanity is appropriate is when someone cuts you off in traffic and you are alone in the car. Very good article, Catherine. I have had many discussions with friends and colleagues about this very topic.
Good point, Vicki–the congresswoman got a lot of attention, although she was already noteworthy by virtue of gender and religion. (One of the first two Muslim women elected to Congress) I’m glad to get a dispensation for swearing in the car! 😉