“I’m not gonna be inauthentic and say I’m sorry about something I’m not sorry about.”
– Tony Robbins on March 15.
“I apologize for suggesting anything other than my profound admiration for the #MeToo movement.”
– Tony Robbins on April 8
Well, he changed his tune, didn’t he? If you haven’t followed the whole drama involving the fabulously successful self-help guru, here’s a quick recap. (And here’s the video if you want to watch it for yourself.)
At one of his gigantic Unleash the Power Within events, a woman suggested that Robbins misunderstood #MeToo. He’d been on stage praising Las Vegas casino bigwig Steve Wynn. And accusing women of playing the victim to feel significant when they call out men like Wynn who’ve harassed or abused or assaulted them.
Nanine McCool suggested there might be more to #MeToo than women wanting attention, and boy did she get a response!
Robbins argued with her. He patronized her. He towered over her (he’s about a foot taller than she is). He insisted she do some exercise where he pushed her down an aisle. And while he bullied her, he demanded that his thousands of fans affirm him. (“Raise your hand if you heard me!”)
To her credit, McCool didn’t crumble. She was remarkably good-humored about the whole exchange. She stood her ground, defending the women who’ve spoken out about sexual abuse and harassment.
There was a smattering of comment on social media right after the event. But the uproar began in earnest when NowThisNews ran a clip of the video showing Robbins accusing women of “using a drug called significance to make yourself feel good.”
The video also captured his story about a “very famous, very powerful man” who’d interviewed three people for a job.
“One was a woman, two were men,” Robbins said. “The woman was better qualified, but she was very attractive, and he knew, ‘I can’t have her around because it’s too big of a risk.’ And he hired somebody else. I’ve had a dozen men tell me this.”
Really? The guy’s afraid he’d be overcome by the irresistible urge to harass or abuse an attractive woman? Or he thinks the men who work for him couldn’t keep their hands to themselves? What is the “risk” exactly?
Tony Robbins didn’t explain that. But he sure did unleash the power.
“Me Too” founder Tarana Burke called the whole episode “deplorable.” She suggested on Twitter that Robbins talk to more SURVIVORS and less sexist businessmen.”
The Time’s Up collective tweeted, “Hey @tonyrobbins, are you serious? Well you also said, ‘The path to success is to take massive determined action.’ Don’t worry, we’re on it.”
Hollywood got into the online act. Alyssa Milano tweeted, “Wow, @tonyrobbins. This is appalling. And just gross. Good luck trying to recover from this.”
Robbins got the message, I guess. He posted an apology (or someone posted it for him) on Facebook. The comments that followed his post are enlightening, some are disturbing. A boatload of men—and some women—defended him and flattered him. Apparently they got private responses thanking them for their support.
The comments sections on YouTube are more freewheeling that Facebook’s. They’re full of vulgarity and threats, directed toward Nanine McCool and other women.
Most of the negativity is from men who are outraged that anyone would question their right to use women however they want to. Some are from Robbins’ groupies, furious that anyone dare disagree with him about anything. This whole episode brought out the ugly in a lot of people.
McCool herself seems to be taking the whole thing in stride. She’s on YouTube saying Robbins will learn and grow if he really talks to these women.
“I still think he can do it,” McCool said, “And I still think he’s worth talking to because he does have people who believe in him and follow him and listen to him, and he can have a tremendous impact. So, Tony Robbins, I’m rooting for you. I think a lot of other people are rooting for you as well.”
Maybe you’re rooting for him too, pleased by the possibility that he’s been “woke.” Or you may be among the disillusioned. Post a comment below to share your observations.
You did a great job giving me the guts of the story here Catherine because, as usual, I’m out of the loop aside from seeing a few TR references lately. And I now want to meet this McCool woman, what a stand she is for open lines of communication vs vitriol–which would have been easy to justify. You are right when you say that our times require clear communication more than ever. The bad news for Tony is, I think he was clear, very very clear. And a bit loony based on the description of how he “played” with McCool. Ego is never in short supply at the top even if this whole thing is surprising from someone who promotes personal growth. Isn’t that the thing that helps you put ego aside?…..
Thanks, Gregory Anne. The big flap over this happened over the weekend–which is lucky for Tony Robbins because a lot of people missed it. Nanine is interesting–she has a couple of videos on YouTube about this Tony Robbins episode, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d find her there talking about other things as well. I was impressed by the way she kept her cool in the interaction with Robbins; I don’t think i could have done that. She had such a light touch with it!
As for the ego thing, I don’t think Tony Robbins is alone among personal growth guru types in having extremely high self-regard. But it is a little creepy the way he’s always demanding that people in the audience display their allegiance. I may never ask participants to raise their hands again …
“Me Too” founder Tarana Burke really hit the nail on the head didn’t she when she called the whole episode “deplorable.” And when she suggested on Twitter that, “Robbins talk to more SURVIVORS and less sexist businessmen” she provided the solution! Broaden your horizons! Once in while, get out of your own head and habitual thinking and discover how other people view the world.
I don’t care how big or powerful he is, that small mind can’t possibly hold very much happiness.
Obviously, Catherine, I wouldn’t have been as “big a person” as Nanine either…but she’s a great model from which to start.
She IS a great model, Karen. I was so impressed by the way she handled him, and by the video she posted after the whole episode started to get more attention. She’s a sharp cookie. I can’t say I’ve ever really been a fan of Tony Robbins, although I know plenty of people who are. But watching the way he handled this really made me question is own personal development.
Smart to post this Catherine… Couple of points: I’ve been to several Tony Robbins events over the past 18 years or so (no, not a groupie, of him or anyone, but someone who has taken much value away from the experiences and events I’ve attended, and respect his work). First, as a professional speaker, I understand that his hand-raising/vocal affirmation audience participation techniques are being used more as deliberate methods for keeping very large crowds consistently engaged over multi-hour/multiple day events, rather than as some kind of creepy allegiance gestures. It never felt like that to me at any of the events I’ve attended.
Second, I’m a proponent of the #metoo movement for all the right reasons… that is to expose predators, and reduce/stop women or men from being wrongly abused to whatever extent. I did watch this clip carefully however, a couple of times, and feel as though Tony drew a clear delineation between respecting the movement, but not letting the movement become something else (negative) beyond its original intent and purpose. And I agree.
Could he have articulated/“presented” his position somewhat differently/better/less adversarial in the moment? Probably. Should he have used the push/resist demonstration with Ms. McCool in that moment to make his point? Probably not. Do I think he had ill-intentions toward the #metoo movement overall? No. Was he ever going to win everyone over to his point-of-view that day or any day about this topic? Definitely not; and he stated as much. I actually came away applauding both Ms. McCool for keeping her ‘cool’ with Tony despite her disagreement with him, and Tony for at least attempting to make his point with an obvious lightening rod topic knowing full well the risks involved. My two cents… since you asked. –TL
I did ask, Tom, and I’m delighted that you put your two cents in. I’ve not been to a Tony Robbins event. Watching from the outside, all that rah-rah, shouting, raise-your-hand-if-you’re-with-me stuff does seem creepy. And I’ve certainly asked audiences to weigh in on a question by raising their hands. The tone seemed different here, especially when he was engaged with Nanine McCool – then “raise your hand if you’re with me” seemed as much like “raise your hand if you’re against her.”
She spoke up in the first place because of what he’d said on stage about Steve Wynn, and women talking about their experiences of being harassed by powerful men. To label them as playing the victim is just wrong. And here’s the thing, Tom, about “…not letting the movement become something else.” It’s not up to Tony Robbins to let the movement do anything. It’s not his movement! They’re your words, but they reflect precisely the attitude he exhibited…”Let me tell you girls how you should handle this.” It’s presumptuous and patronizing and offensive.
And, the whole episode is fascinating for people like us who study communication–there are a lot of layers here. Thanks for exploring it with me.
Absolutely right, Catherine! It seems to be very difficult for victimizers, discriminators, racists, etc. to even entertain the idea that their methods or ideas might be offensive to the receiver. They tend to hold fast to the notion that their viewpoints or actions are based in truth.
Tony Robbins more than most, because of his obvious NLP background, should understand about getting out of his own map of the world to check in to see the other side. He should also understand that the meaning of any communication is in the response you get.
Your response gave a very different meaning to his communication that that of Tom above. Mr. Robbins clearly missed the mark on his efforts for you….AND for me! And I’d guess for most of the #metoo movement.
Confrontation doesn’t have to be mean!
I wonder what would happen if Tony…and Tom…would just take a moment to stop all forms of bullying and go for calm conversation even during confrontation.
This is good stuff. Pot continuing to be stirred…
I appreciate you Catherine, always have. And I think these are important conversations to have. But admittedly, it’s risky for any man to weigh-in on this topic, and even remotely appear to “defend” any other man’s point-of-view. Automatically, seemingly broad, sweeping assumptions are made (see Ms. Hand’s comments following yours), and mischaracterization can take place.
To your comment based on my words: “…not letting the movement become something else.” It’s not up to Tony Robbins to let the movement do anything… I agree with you. But, I felt his intent (and I could be wrong here, and am the first person to say this at any point, about any point, throughout this thread…) was to caution anyone, men OR women, not to allow social or emotional dynamics around ANY movement (that not he, nor anyone can claim as their own) to become counter-productive to its original intent… which is in this case to empower victims. In many circumstances unfortunately, some people (women AND men) can and do become victims of their victimhood, if you will. Didn’t sound like Ms. McCool was during this clip, but others certainly can and do. Your comment regarding Tony’s intent: ”Let me tell you girls how you should handle this” could be equally perceived as presumptuous and offensive could it not? At the end of the day, how any of us “feel” may or may not be anywhere near the actual “truth,” though it may be our “truth”… two very different things of course.
To Ms Hand’s comment above: “I wonder what would happen if Tony…and Tom…would just take a moment to stop all forms of bullying and go for calm conversation even during confrontation.” Since I don’t you Ms. Hand, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and chalk this comment up to you momentarily not demonstrating your own advice by “going for calm conversation during confrontation” because why would you include me in such a comment? It feels presumptuous and offensive, though you may not have meant it that way… And since you don’t know me, I’m NOT in favor of bullying (conversationally or otherwise), and am quite adept, especially in my line of work, at going for, and achieving (at least a good majority of the time), calm conversation even in the midst of confrontation with people who do not share my viewpoints. Also, “They tend to hold fast to the notion that their viewpoints or actions are based in truth.” Don’t we all (as subjective human beings) do that at times Ms. Hand? Aren’t you doing that throughout this thread as well? Finally, your comment “… the meaning of any communication is in the response you get” is only partially accurate. Communication’s meaning is the sum of, and equal parts the sender’s intent, as well as the receiver’s interpretation of the sender’s intent. It’s up to both sides to check for retention, restate if necessary, and ask clarifying questions, etc. to ensure any/all communication is “successful.” Agreement may still not be reached, but it’s a two-way street that most claim to understand, but few demonstrate with consistency.
To all: Is it possible that we all have some valid points here? Is it possible that both men and women can see some of this differently, yet still not be quickly labeled as bullies, or victimizers, or discriminators, or racists, or proponents of any type of abuse? The answer must be Yes if we truly hope for lasting change and progress to be made whether it’s for #metoo #timesup or any other significant social movement that helps ‘move’ us all to better places.
Oh, I think it’s very possible that we all have some valid points here, Tom. (And for the record, I appreciate you too!)
It boils down to your statement that you “felt his intent was to caution anyone not to allow social or emotional dynamics around ANY movement to become counter-productive to its original intent…”
You know that I felt his intent differently. From my perspective, he seemed to be writing off the bad behavior of some powerful men, putting down women who’ve spoken up about being mistreated, and warning them that if they keep it up,nobody will hire attractive women.
And this gets at what Karen was saying about the meaning of the communication. The NLP people would say it doesn’t matter, in the end, WHAT the speaker intends. The listeners make their own meaning, and it may be very different from what the speaker THOUGHT s/he was communicating. “But i didn’t mean it that way!”isn’t often persuasive.