We go to workshops and conferences to learn new things. And to meet new people who share our interest, right?
That networking goal was front and center at a workshop I went to the other day. Tiffany Largie is a business expert; she told us to act as if we were in a room full of prospects. Because we were.
So at the lunch break I intentionally sat with a couple of guys I didn’t know. Asked them about their businesses. And listened. And listened. And listened.
I am not kidding. For an hour, these guys talked about what they do and how they do it and the challenges they face. One of them actually started his Me-Me-Me-I-I-I by telling me about his high school sports experience and then … well, there’s no need for you to sit through the whole story.
The point is that in that hour, neither one of them asked me a single question. Or expressed a shred of interest in what I do or what brought me to the event or how I might help them. Or even whether I might need their services!
(As it happens, one shreds paper and the other hauls away junk. One look at my office would tell you I could be their ideal customer!)
Maybe I should have been more assertive. I could have jumped in and started telling them about my business even though they didn’t seem to have the least bit of interest.
But I started to get fascinated by this phenomenon. Which was a repeat of a speakers’ meeting a while back. Where I sat with a bunch of guys I didn’t know, asked one of them, “Tell me what you speak about …”
And proceeded to listen to serial monologues. That never turned into actual conversations.
So what do these episodes have in common? Well, me, for one thing. Maybe I’m just not that interesting? That has occurred to me.
But you’re reading this – you must think I have something worthwhile to say. And there are plenty of people in audiences, on Facebook and at real-life meetings who would agree.
After some reflection, I don’t think I strike most people as boring. I’m pretty sure this is a gender thing.
Yes, I’m familiar with the stereotype of chin-wagging women. And it’s true – when I get together with girlfriends there’s a lot of conversation going on. The research would say my friends and I are pretty typical. In that context, we women can talk.
And. The research also says, “Despite the widespread belief that women talk more than men, most of the available evidence suggests just the opposite. When women and men are together, it is the men who talk most.”
You can read the details here. The gist of it is that context counts. In public settings – business meetings, conferences, networking lunches – men dominate the conversation.
Now I’m not out to criticize men. (I’m on record – I like men.) I do want to point out that this is a big issue for your business, especially if you’re a man. And even more especially if you’re out to sell something to women.
Because no matter what product or service you offer. And no matter who your prospect is. The number one thing you need to do is listen.
Before you tell us how great you are, how valuable your work is, how desperately we need you … you need to listen. Ask questions. And listen some more.
Truth is, most of us, men and women both, could stand to be a lot better at listening. I actually do an occasional workshop about listening skills. Sadly, there’s very little demand for that.
People want to speak better; they don’t even know they need to listen better. So consider this a nudge.
If you want more sales. More revenue. More profit. You’d be wise to do more listening.
And what’s the first step toward better listening? Yep. Stop talking.
Now maybe you are a great listener. Or maybe you have a tale like mine about a time when somebody talked your ear off. Tell us about it. Or weigh in on the question: men or women – who does more of the talking?
Catherine — Thank you for writing about a phenomenon every woman I know has experienced. I have begun to experiment for fun now, after listening to a coworker for two hours over a business dinner tell me everything about himself and NOT ASK ME ONE SINGLE QUESTION. It was incredible. We didn’t just talk about the deal we were pursuing, but literally where he grew up, his career path, how he met his wife, what she does, what she doesn’t do, his daughter’s upcoming wedding, his opinion of his soon-to-be son-in-law. Everything. About. Him.
When I went to bed that night after calling my kids to say goodnight, I reflected that my coworker did not even know I had children. But he loved our interaction and subsequently has treated me as a trusted colleague. I even got e-mailed pictures of his daughter’s wedding, because I took such an interest, apparently.
I now play a game with myself when meeting men and women in business to see how long before they ask anything about my business, why I am at the event, my role, even something personal (“Do you have kids? Do you like to travel?”). In the last six months since my very one-sided dinner with my colleague, women almost always turn the conversation to me, but only 5 of the approximately 200 men I have talked to (I meet new people every week) have even asked me one question about me. I am not making this up.
Gentlemen — you are very selfish communicators. It not only hurts the impression you are making on your long-suffering female compatriots, it is killing your business. How could you possibly know “the right move” if you have no idea what your recipients’ pain points are?
Thanks for sharing your experience. I think it’s a common one. And you’re right; it’s not only bad manners – it’s bad business.
Funny that you should ask, Catherine! – because this happened to me at your “Own the Room” event. Apparently my “break partner” thought he needed to “own the high boy” we shared when he plopped his coffee down next to mine. He was already a “professional speaker” (sports, or it might have been magic-and-illusion) and thought his shtick was a novel AND unique metaphor for business. I was regaled with details of his career, from his first words on mama’s lap to present day cusp-of-explosive fame. Every event in the intervening years appeared on his business card – a photo-filled and content-heavy folded/double card covered edge-to-edge with his exploits and experiences. He didn’t come up for air as he elaborated on his presentations, where he’d spoken, WHO had hired him, and even the amazing impact of his business card (with some chortling about how most other speakers were too lacking in marketing savvy to employ such a powerful tool). I tossed an underhand lob that I thought he might bat back at me – that I’m involved in organizations that are on the lookout for speakers – and he let it land in the dirt behind him. Nothing. But I do have his Rock Star business card as a souvenir of this surreal encounter!
That is hilarious, Sue. And I’m guessing at the time you weren’t laughing. Those blowhard boys are annoying, aren’t they?
Catherine, I’ll have to do a better job at watching for this. Lately I’ve been going to meetings with intentional networking opportunities and I’ve observed more of an even give and take.
However, in my corporate jobs, I saw men talking right over women and sometimes even claiming women’s ideas as their own!
-d
It’s not only the talk talk talk about me me me, it’s also the “mansplaining!” At least 3 times I can cite where, in a group conversation, the men there knew me AND knew enough about my background. Someone asks a question about a topic I am skilled in, and they jump right in and go on and on and on – explaining something they’ve only read about online or heard on the news!! And a simple short answer would do. Don’t need a full blown explanation regardless. It’s supposed to be conversation, not a dissertation. Ultimately, at the end of one of these, I was able to sneak in a, “yes, I know – I worked in that industry for over a decade and have hands on experience.” Very hard not to just yell, “THIS IS WHAT I DO!”
I hate to say, it’s mostly from men mid-aged and up. I’ve found many younger male workers & friend’s grown kids to be excellent conversationalists.
Ah yes, the mansplaining. Your story is a familiar one, Paula!