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It’s a Two-Way Street. Or is it?

You’ve been there, I’ll bet. At a conference, at a party, maybe on a date. You’re ready to enjoy some conversation. And you’re getting a monologue instead.

Ay-ay-ay! Some people just don’t know when to hand over the conversational ball. The New York Times newsletter “Wellness” had some suggestions for those times when we find ourselves trapped with a talker. And me? I have some suggestions for the talkers.

When you’re on the receiving end …

I laughed when I first read Jancee Dunn’s article, “What to do when a person won’t. stop. talking.” She describes meeting a very pleasant man at a party who told her all about his basement renovation “in excruciating detail.”

Maybe you’ve seen that commercial with the guy yapping to everyone he knows about redoing his kitchen? It’s an ad for a bank, but I couldn’t tell you which one. I always mute it before we get there because he’s so damn irritating. He came to mind as I was reading about Jancee’s experience with the basement renovator.

Anyway, the NYT writer got some advice from experts to deal with “that itchy, restless feeling we get when we’re mired in a one-way conversation.”

Use the person’s name when you can get a word in edgewise. Their own name will grab their attention, they’ll pause for a moment, and you’ll finally have a chance to say something.

The expert who suggested that also said if it doesn’t work the first time, say their name again slowly and that will usually do the trick.

Or, you might come right out and say you’re interrupting, using a warm, firm, calm tone. People don’t usually get defensive when you name what you’re doing. They can hardly accuse you of interrupting them—you just said that’s what you’re up to.

And if they keep talking anyway? You do the same, in that same steady, neutral tone. An Emory communication professor told The Times even if you feel awkward, don’t stop until the other person backs down.

The phrase “I need” can work wonders in these situations. “I need to jump in here,” “I need to add,” “I need to make sure…” You’ll get their attention that way and you’ll have a chance to speak without sounding adversarial.

And what if you’re the non-stop talker?

Well, my first suggestion is to STOP. But seriously, you may not know that your conversational partners are silently hoping you’ll give it a rest already. So, your first move is to cultivate some awareness and pay attention to the feedback you get.

If you notice them looking away as you talk, shuffling restlessly, or even looking slightly annoyed, take a breath. Give them an opening to speak or, if they’ve really had enough, to excuse themselves.

Hit the highlights. Most of the tales we tell could do well with a little editing. Nobody needs to hear every stinkin’ detail of our career, our dating life…or our remodeling project.😉 The power of three can be very useful here.

Leave out the details that are less interesting, that don’t move your story forward. I promise nobody will be saying, “But wait, where were you working in 1997?”

Make liberal use of tag questions. That’s often a quick question tagged on to the end of your sentence to check for agreement or confirmation. “That was fun, wasn’t it?” “Looks like bad weather coming, doesn’t it?” “We’re still on for lunch tomorrow, aren’t we?”

I often use tag questions deliberately to give somebody else the floor.

“I loved ‘The Diplomat.’ How about you?”

“Yes, radio was fun.” Followed by a quick example (or three) of good times in the studio and then … “What were you doing before you became a consultant?”

“The holidays can still be a little sad for me. How do you feel about the season?”

When all else fails, a simple “And you?” is nearly always a useful way to invite your conversational partner into the exchange so that it’s balanced and enjoyable for everyone.

Truth is, I am more than happy to yammer on about myself—I think I’m pretty interesting! I’ve been comfortable doing the talking since the days of report card notes that “Cathy talks too much in class.”

And. Too much self-ing gets in the way of developing and deepening relationships. So I’ve learned to put a lid on it, tune into the people I talk with, and toss them the conversational ball regularly.

I’m tossing it to you now: Leave a comment below, won’t you?