Listen to the audio version of this post here.
What Are They Waiting For?
For all the grumbling people do about inflation or the state of our schools or climate change or whatever … the truth is, Americans are reasonably happy. The General Social Survey has been asking us about happiness since 1972. And the results are surprisingly consistent.
Something else that might surprise you? Being married is the most important differentiator between the contented and the miserable. That University of Chicago study found the married among us are happier than the unmarried, with a gap of 30-percentage points.
At the University of Virginia, Sociologist Brad Wilcox told the New York Times marital quality is by far the most reliable predictor of life satisfaction. “Specifically, the odds that men and women say they are ‘very happy’ with their lives are a staggering 545 percent higher for those who are very happily married, compared with peers who are not married or who are less than very happy in their marriages.”
And yet …
Don’t you know young people who are postponing marriage, or even declaring themselves single forever? They’re focused on their careers, many of them. Or maybe travel and adventure. Or they’re just having too much fun to get tied down.
Most of those young adults tell researchers it’s more important to make a good living than to have a good marriage. And a big majority of their parents agree!
Those people playing the field (or sitting out the game) have plenty of company.
The average age of a first marriage has been going up for decades now. In 1980, six percent of 40-year-olds had never been married. Today? That number is 25%. Some of those single 40-year-olds are living with a romantic partner, but a good three quarters of them are on their own, waiting for … it’s not clear what, exactly.
The NYT’s David Brooks suggests they might want to get on with finding a life partner. And that seems like sound advice.
Back to UVA’s Wilcox: “When it comes to predicting overall happiness, a good marriage is far more important than how much education you get, how much money you make, how often you have sex, and, yes, even how satisfied you are with your work.”
It’s not an accident that Dr. Wilcox has a book coming out next year. His title: Get Married.
A bit of anecdotal evidence …
My own career history has been what you might call checkered. I had a decent run in radio … 25 years is nothing to sneeze at. And when it was over, it was really over. Not by my choice.
Learning and Development seemed like a good next move. And it was, in many ways. After two jobs caved in, in fairly short order, I decided to move on.
Launched a business, in partnership with a friend … and lost it in the recession that followed.
Noticing a pattern here? So, then I started all over with speaking and coaching as an independent professional. As much as I love it, there’ve been some lean times.
What has remained constant through all those professional ups and downs? My relationship with Frank. We celebrate our 32nd anniversary this week and while I wouldn’t claim 32 years of uninterrupted bliss, we’ve mostly been happy together. And we support each other.
He backed me up during those professional setbacks. What would I have done if I had to rely only on my own income? Now, I’m caring for him with help from home hospice professionals. What would he do if he lived all alone?
Maybe Dr. Wilcox is right that marriages will save civilization, I don’t know about that. I do know it’s a lot easier to go through life with a partner than without.
In light of all this, maybe you and I should.
We talk about business communication all the time. How to have more influence with clients and colleagues. How to sell more of a product or a service or ourselves. How to survive corporate life…and when to hang it up and go solo. And so much more! There’s a lot to say about how we communicate in our professional lives.
David Brooks’s piece made me think about how we communicate in our personal lives. Sounds like maybe many of us could use some work in that area too.
As much as I’ve studied communication, spoken about it, written about it, lived and breathed it … it’s a little daunting to consider writing about it in the context of marriage and other intimate relationships.
Here’s where I’d start though.
If I had to offer my best advice for a happy relationship, it would be to listen at least as much as you talk. More is even better.
That’s good advice for professional relationships too. You’ve heard me offer it many times over the years, and I continue to find that it can be the highest hurdle for clients. It’s not easy, knowing when they’ve said enough, and putting a period on it.
It’s not easy at home, either, as you may be thinking already. It’s worth doing, though. I invite you to try that with your spouse, partner, even with a friend. And to add a comment about your own suggestions for richer personal relationships.
Catherine, thank you for this post.
In my experience, personal and professional are inextricably combined, there is no differentiation between work and personal… it is one, rich, sometimes challenging, life experience.
I am extremely grateful for having my husband in my life. Although I know I would be fine without him, his love, support, insights and companionship are precious, and greatly appreciated by me.
We work as partners is most things (although it is also very important to have some solo experiences too!) and we aspire to keep our union grounded in honesty and respect, working through our differences to the benefit of that relationship. These are some of the same qualities that are important in a professional relationship.
So, to me, professional and personal are just different pages in the book of life!
I wish you and Frank a journey of love, comfort, contentedness and a deep gratefulness for the gift of your rich journey together.
Thanks again, for your insightful words.
Best,
Mary Watson
Oh, for sure, Mary … our personal and professional lives are inextricably linked, like two wings on the same bird. We’re at our happiest when they’re well-balanced and both are humming along.
Still, it’s noteworthy, to me, how much young people especially seem to be prioritizing business over marriage. It will be interesting to see how this plays out for them. And for all of us.
Thanks for your good wishes. Looks like our journey’s getting short now, but we have much to be grateful for.
I always enjoy your articles, Catherine, but THIS one really touched at my heart. Like you, I am extremely fortunate to be in a great relationship and I am forever grateful. I do remember a time, though, when I was single, and it was my girlfriends who were my rock. They helped me through some unbelievably difficult times. So, I’m not sure if it’s really a good marriage that makes us complete, but good relationships in any form, whether they be spouses or friends or family. Having amazing friends has helped me become a better friend myself. My hope is to help someone through a difficult time the way they helped me.
Where are you finding your strength, Catherine, during this journey? My heart truly goes out to you.
You answered your own question, Nancy, about finding my strength during this journey. Girlfriends! When people ask what I need, I always say “company and conversation” and I’ve been blessed with friends who offer both, in all kinds of ways.
I didn’t mean to dismiss the importance of other relationships; friends and family are so important. There is something about making that commitment to “The One” though…and it makes me curious that so many young people are reluctant to make it.
Wow – I love this, Catherine! Such a great message loaded with truth for anyone ready to listen (read!)
Not sure how I can share this – but would like to – let me know how!
Thanks, Elizabeth — I’m glad you dug it. Easy to share. The link to the blog page is: https://www.catherinejohns.com/what-are-they-waiting-for/
Your words are always wise, Catherine, and I also loved the audio version. I agree with you about marriage. We just celebrated our fiftieth anniversary last month. I don’t know how I could have accomplished my thirty-six year teaching career without Joel. Not only was he understanding and supportive, but he actually almost pushed me out the door and into my master’s program – after I had been teaching for over twelve years. The master’s wasn’t about money, which we all know will not buy happiness. It was about both of us learning – about each other, about how to be a better educator, and how to be better parents. My warmest thoughts are with you and Frank….
Thanks, Ellen. Those warm thoughts are most welcome. And fifty years is impressive!
Hi Catherine,
Thank you for this article.
I waited until I was 47 years old when I got married the first time. I think/believe it was in fear of getting too old and being alone for the rest of my life that I got married. However, we were not a good match and the marriage ended bitterly and badly. After, I did a deep evaluation of myself to figure out who I am. I made out a list of who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I found that my ex-wife didn’t make the cut and I would not have considered her to be my wife. There was a quiet period where there were no relationships. After several years, I get a random text from a friend asking if I’m single and interested in meeting a woman who lived nearby. We go on a blind date, and have been together ever since. Reviewing my list of the woman I would want to spend the rest of my life with: my wife is about 95% of what I had written down. We are coming up on our 5 year wedding anniversary in October 2023. I am grateful for my wife in my life and has been wonderful even with our late start.
To answer the question: What Are They Waiting For? Maybe these younger people need to figure out who they are, what’s important to them, who they want to spend their life with, what are deal breakers, are they on the same page (children/no children, stay/move). I used to hear two halves make a whole in a marriage. That’s BS. You need two complete people coming into the marriage to make it even greater. (Synergy anyone?). I believe with all the noise from FakeNews, Mainstream Media, politics, social media, public division, Red/Blue, etc. flooding society today is creating fear about not getting married. “50% of all marriages end in divorce.” Yeah, but 50% of marriages last until “death do you part.” The Mainstream Media sells negative, blood in the streets stories. The news won’t focus on the 50% of SUCCESSFUL marriages because that doesn’t sell. (HEADLINE: “NOTHING EXCITING HAPPENED TODAY!” -> This doesn’t sell.) . . . .
WHAT ARE THEY WAITING FOR: I think they are waiting for a sign that it’s okay to get married. Yes, there will be some rough spots just like in any relationship, but overall, the adventure of being married is well worth the price of admission.
The young people want a guarantee. Remember, they have gone through the Great Recession of 2008-2009, COVID19 Pandemic, #metoo, etc. and all the other events that have darkened their image of society and the world. Yes, it’s scary to get married. There are no guarantees. However, the statistics (as you pointed out) show that those that get married are lot happier than those that stay single.
So Buckle up, buttercup. Take a deep breath and jump in. It’s going to be a great ride! Take it from those that are on the “50% of marriages are a success until death do you part.” The great times far outweigh the low spots in life. Without the low spots, you couldn’t enjoy and appreciate the joys.
If they’re waiting for a sign, there are plenty of them out there, Alan. Articles like mine and stories like yours are among them! I’m glad you found the right partner.
Many young people today have witnessed the dysfunction in their parents’ failed marriages, and I believe many of them do not want to live through the same experiences . Since the 1980s, with labour unions busted, congress failing to keep minimum wage in sync with inflation and the burden of student loans which were not a thing before Reagan cut Pell grants and states everywhere made tax cuts more important than funding higher education, we live in a very different society than the one in which we boomers grew up. There are so many hurdles young people today face that we did not. Mercifully, at least they don’t have a military draft to add to their burden, but on balance, I’d say they have a much higher hill to climb. Maybe Sonny and Cher could sing “maybe it’s so we don’t have a pot but at least I’m sure of all the things we’ve got”, but I don’t see that optimism today, and with good reason. Today’s young people have been robbed of so much, and it’s no surprise Taylor Swift called marriage “that 1950s shit they want from me” in her song “Lavender Haze”. It’s a different world today, and it wasn’t the young generation who made it so.