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What Do They See You Say?
Is your communication congruent?
What I mean by that is, do your facial expression and your gestures and your tone of voice match the words you’re saying?
If they don’t, you’re likely to have trouble getting your message across. Those visual components of communication are critically important.
Why? As I tell my clients time and time again, “If what you say and what they see don’t match — people will believe what they see.”
You know this from your own experience, of course. Somewhere along the way, you’ve heard a scowling somebody snarl through gritted teeth, “I’m not mad!”
Regardless of their words, it’s clear to you that they are, in fact, furious, right?
Their assurance that they’re not at all angry is incongruent! And you don’t believe it for a second.
This is why your visual, vocal, and verbal messages must match.
And that’s true whether you’re talking with one client, sitting around a conference table with a small group, or speaking to a whole roomful of people. Or a Zoom-room full of people.
This means appearances are critical for business speakers. And I don’t mean that we have to be conventionally attractive—although it certainly doesn’t hurt. (The research is clear: for both men and women, good looks are a significant advantage in business.)
Handsome or not, though, we can use posture, gestures, and facial expressions to our advantage.
If I’m welcoming people to a conference, I need a smile on my face so I look welcoming. Delivering a downbeat message demands a different expression—that big warm grin would look silly.
The whole idea is to manage how we come across, so that what people see of us conveys the impression we want them to have.
If we try to run a meeting, for instance, but we look like someone who’s never been in charge of anything, the session is unlikely to be productive. Better to have a look—and a tone of voice—that says, “This is serious business.”
That might mean professional dress or hairstyle. A client who’s hoping to be perceived as a leader changed her hair temporarily from loose, free-flowing curls to a more sculpted style. Why? Girlish wasn’t the look she was going for!
I met a woman who introduced herself as doing “energy work.” I have to say, I’ve rarely encountered a professional with less energy. Everything about her seemed subdued, low-key, even dull. If I were looking for help with my energy, would I choose her?
If you’re a consultant or a bookkeeper or a virtual assistant, you’re selling, among other things, organizational skills. And if you sound confused or discombobulated, or otherwise not in control, you’re not going to get very far.
You might start watching for examples of mismatched verbal and visual messages.
When you notice that you’re skeptical of someone, and maybe you’re not even sure why, it’s a good bet you’re picking up on incongruity. See if you can figure out what’s causing that.
Notice the person’s tone of voice. Separate from the words, what does the sound of their voice say to you? How about their posture, the way they hold themselves. Easy and open, or constricted and stiff? What do you see in their facial expression? Do their eyes and mouth say “warm and friendly” or are they all-business?
And of course, self-observation is invaluable here. Are you sending mixed messages with your posture? With the way you move? Or with your face?
Hint: if you’re asking me to believe in you, but you don’t look me in the eye, I believe what I see. And I conclude you’re not really trustworthy.
Keep an eye out for examples like that.
I’d love to hear what you pick up from others around you and from their reactions to you. Leave a comment below.
