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Where are you shining your spotlight?

It showed up again the other night. A friend was telling me a story as we sat at the restaurant, and her eyes never met mine. From the moment she began to describe what happened, she gazed up and to the right, disconnecting from me.

It’s a common habit. It might be yours.

Here’s why it’s a problem.

Imagine your face as a spotlight.

Every time you start a conversation you shine that spotlight somewhere. You’ll have more impact if you shine it on the people you’re talking with.

There’s some science behind this idea. You’ve known people who are always looking up and to their left. That’s where they “see” their past in their mind’s eye. So, if they’re telling a story about what happened, they visualize it by looking to their left.

If they’re projecting something that might happen in the future, they’ll look up and to their right. That’s where they “see” their future in their mind’s eye; it’s out ahead of them.

Where they’re not looking is at you! So, what are you, chopped liver?

We have more impact when our eyes are on our listeners; when our spotlight is shining on them.

Some people, of course, point their imaginary spotlight at themselves.

How do I look? Do I sound smart? What should I say next? What are they thinking of me?

When your spotlight is turned inward, people can feel it. They quickly pick up a sense that they don’t really matter to you.

We might want desperately to make an impression on our listeners. But it turns out, the more concerned we are about ourselves, the harder it is to connect with anyone else.

Then there are people whose spotlight lands right where it belongs.

Full frontal eye contact, directed at their conversational partners. In a virtual meeting, they’re looking through their camera, not at the faces on the screen.

And—this might sound mystical—I’ve found if we’re talking on the phone, it even helps to look at the phone!

Our attention and our energy follow our eyes. And all of us instinctively know that.

So, when your eyes stay engaged with a person as you talk, you make a real connection with them.

They see that you’re truly present. Genuinely curious. Interested in them.

They leave that conversation feeling that they matter. That they’re valuable. That you appreciate them and what they contribute.

When they feel that, it gives us executive presence.

It’s not that we’re the loudest. It’s not because we’re the most polished. Or the most attractive.

Presence happens because we make other people feel seen.

Here’s something you might try.

Next time you have a meeting at work or even a conversation with a friend, forget about asking yourself, “How am I coming across?” or “How can I make the best impression?”

Instead, ask “Who’s felt overlooked today?” Or “What can I learn about this person?” Or “How can I help them feel heard?”

When you shift your focus like that, your face will change. Your voice will change. Your body language will change.

And so will the conversation. Your spotlight will be shining on the other person. And they will feel it.

My clients often wonder how they can have more charisma, and they might be thinking about star power, standing out, being the center of attention.

Most of the time, charisma isn’t really about attracting attention to yourself. It’s about directing your attention toward someone else!

In the end, the most magnetic people aren’t thinking, “Notice me, notice me!” They’re thinking, “Tell me more.”

Your face is a spotlight. Shine it on them.