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Where Do You Stand?
We all know body language shapes how people perceive us. They decide in an instant whether we’re confident or fearful, friendly or distant, comfortable in our own skin or self-conscious.
People even draw quick conclusions about our intelligence or business acumen or how nice we are from the way we carry ourselves. The research shows those first impressions are very often borne out by experience.
Here’s something we may not think about.
The way we carry ourselves doesn’t just influence the conclusions people draw about us. It also shapes the way we perceive them. That’s where the name Perceptual Positions comes from.
You can use your posture to affect the way you take in information from your surroundings.To see things from another point of view. And to achieve your goals.
Here’s how Perceptual Positions work …
Self (First) Position
In Self Position, we’re grounded and centered. Feet firmly on the floor, body erect, head straight up and down on the shoulders. Boundaries are clear.
When I’m in Self Position, I see, hear and feel from my own perspective. I’m authentic and grounded, in touch with my own beliefs and values. I know what I want, I can be assertive and clear about my limits.
Of course, Self Position has its limitations. It’s easy to be egotistical and selfish in Self Position.
It’s best for pursuing my own interests, taking care of myself, and standing my ground.
So, if you’re on the phone arguing with your insurance company, plant your feet, sit up straight and keep your head straight as you explain how they got it wrong. Don’t lean in or bend over the way people often do when they’re on the phone (as if our phone still had a cord on it). You want to stay in your own clearly defined space – don’t enter theirs.
Other (Second) Position
In Other Position, I might be leaning toward you or maybe to one side. My head is likely tilted. My body seems softer, less rigid.
In Other Position I’m better able to see, hear and feel from your perspective. I can be empathetic and understanding. I’m in touch with your beliefs and values; I sense what you want. And I can even begin to predict what you’ll do.
Limitation: In Other Position, I could be servile and acquiescent, a doormat.
You can use it for understanding another person, creating rapport, realizing the impact your actions have on someone else.
When your best friend needs to talk, you can listen better and empathize more in Other Position. Lean in, soften your body, and tilt your head. It will give you a much better chance of really understanding their situation.
Observer (Third) Position
In Observer Position, I’m leaning back, away from the action. My arms might be folded across my chest; you can sense from looking at me that I’m pulling away.
Someone in Observer Position can see, hear and feel from an outsider’s perspective. They can be neutral and detached; separate from somebody else’s stress or intensity. Observer Position is good for getting in touch with data and patterns. A person can step back, literally have a wider view; it’s easier here to be analytical and logical.
The downside? In Observer Position I could be cold and calculating.
It’s best for taking stock of the situation, shifting gears, discovering a new approach, or relieving strong emotion.
Let’s say a colleague is venting and the issue has nothing to do with you. You don’t want to get mixed up in it; you know nothing good can come of this diatribe. Lean back – away from the fray. You might fold your arms in front of you for good measure. You’re sort of blocking the negative energy so you can assess and do what’s right for you without taking on their stuff.
Your Turn
If you start paying attention, you’ll notice that people (including you!) move in and out of these Perceptual Positions all day long, mostly without conscious awareness.
It’s fascinating to experiment with deliberate shifts. You can use your posture more strategically as you interact with the people around you.
Most of us have a default position … you might say it feels like home. You probably won’t be surprised that mine is Self Position.
There could be a gender thing at work in this. When I first learned about Perceptual Positions in an NLP class, the people who felt most natural or comfortable in Other Position were overwhelmingly women. And the people who defaulted to Observer were mostly men.
It was fascinating to try out someone else’s postures and movements; we experimented with “walking in their shoes.” Shifting into another person’s body language did make it easier to understand where they were coming from.
I’d love to hear which Perceptual Position feels like home to you. And tell me what happens when you start using these positions intentionally.
