We all know there’s no crying in baseball.
What about crying in banking though … or accounting … or sales?
Some might assume the famous ban on bawling from A League of Their Own applies in any field. You’re supposed to take whatever the manager (or the colleague or the client) dishes out and keep a stiff upper lip. At least until you escape to a private place where you can shed a tear or two sight-unseen.
Not so, if you believe the panel of technology and start-up leaders at Fortune’s Most Powerful Women Next Gen Summit.
Headline—It’s Okay to Cry: Women Own Vulnerability in the Workplace to Fight Impostor Syndrome.
Really? Yes, really. Fortune quoted the chief strategy officer at Promise: “I think of crying as a cleansing release.”
The founder and CEO of Riveter lays claim to “the right to be sad.” She acknowledges though, “While a good cry can be cathartic and provide a level of clarity, business leaders do need to be careful about who they lean on in such moments.”
The CEO of Climb Credit also advises some caution in choosing just when to let it all out. Catharsis is one thing, but it’s best not to boo-hoo with someone who works for you.
Still, when we’re overwhelmed at work, she says it’s important to get those feelings “into the universe and out of your head.”
Well. This is a switch, isn’t it?
The first time I remember being in trouble for crying was when I was in First Grade and Mrs. Howard ordered me to “turn off the waterworks.”
As an adult, I can’t tell you how many bosses, co-anchors, and other colleagues told me over the years I was too emotional. Too sensitive. Too, well, too teary.
Apparently, I was ahead of my time. Now it’s okay to cry in your cubicle. Or is it? Depending on your own experience, you might feel uncomfortable with the suggestion that workplace tears have become acceptable.
My guess is there’s a generational thing going on here. The Boomer women who put on power suits and those silly bows and worked hard to find a place in the boys’ club of business were advised to toughen up, Tootsie.
And it wasn’t bad advice, when you get down to it. Those who weren’t tough enough (I was one of them) were often criticized for being so sensitive.
The tide turns slowly, but it does turn.
Top-down, I-make-the-rules, command-and-control leadership is falling out of fashion. Today’s corporate leaders are expected to have a heart too … sometimes they even let it show.
Emotional intelligence is increasingly valued. Companies actually bring in coaches to help the hard-core develop their softer side. And hiring managers interview and assess candidates for their E.Q.
More women have more power in more companies.
It’s an open question whether the current, more balanced, command-and-connect leadership style is a cause or a result of the increasing female presence among senior executives. Chicken, meet egg.
And now we have young women sitting on a panel at a major business conference advocating the cleansing release of tears.
Instead of seeing them as weak, Fortune counts the panelists as among the most powerful next-gen women. And describes them as “Owning vulnerability and learning how to turn it into power.”
It’s a good time to be a woman in business, isn’t it?
It didn’t happen by magic though. The women who went before this “next gen” paved the way. Fought some battles that young women today won’t have to fight. Set the stage for this more balanced approach to leadership and to corporate culture.
It all sounds good. And still, I’m going to stick with my notion that crying doesn’t serve me well in business. It’s okay, maybe even essential, to express my feelings. I’m pretty open in my personal and professional lives. And, it’s been a long time since I teared up while I was working, and I intend for it to be longer yet.
Your reaction to all this may have much to do with when and where you started your career.
Maybe you’ve had your share of emotional moments at work. Or maybe you were taught to tough it out and you learned the lesson well.
And what about guys? Is it really “okay to cry at work?”
Post a comment below and share your story.
I am an ugly crier. No way do I want to share that with anyone.
We did go thru a lot, didn’t we? Some news reports make me wonder if it was for naught. The current objectified women have the same issues to cry over that we had. I can only hope the circle is really a spiral and is smaller with each pass until it reaches the pinnacle where all are free to contribute positively in corporate and social arenas.
What do you mean ‘silly bows’? I liked the bows (couldn’t tie one to save my soul.) They were more dignified than flashing cleavage, though probably not as influential. Oh, wait, I circled around there, didn’t I?
You’re right about the ugly-crying, Kristina. Nobody needs to see that. I’m going to say bows and cleavage are both better left out of our business attire. And yes, a lot of things seem to circle around!
I am an ugly crier. No way do I want to share that with anyone.
We did go thru a lot, didn’t we? Some news reports make me wonder if it was for naught. The current objectified women have the same issues to cry over that we had. I can only hope the circle is really a spiral and is smaller with each pass until it reaches the pinnacle where all are free to contribute positively in corporate and social arenas.
What do you mean ‘silly bows’? I liked the bows (couldn’t tie one to save my soul.) They were more dignified than flashing cleavage, though probably not as influential. Oh, wait, I circled around there, didn’t I?
Like you, I’ll keep my tears to myself at work, thank you very much. There are already enough “reasons” to dismiss, discount and patronize women as it is, despite the progress we have made. It’s just unprofessional when you get down to it. I’ll continue to use my words to express what’s going on in my head, rather than have a co-worker try and puzzle it out whilst I blubber away.
I certainly shed my share of tears when I was younger, Marcie. I never felt good about it, though, and I wouldn’t today either. I do think professionalism and expressions of emotion can go together. And, the cause of the emotion would make a difference in my mind. You’re right that expecting colleagues to guess what we’re thinking is usually a fool’s errand. Better to clearly verbalize our feelings.
Very interesting article. When I first became a trial lawyer in1978 , there were almost no women trial lawyers. I did wear that silly bow at first and later found my own style. I didn’t have to act tough to win with juries or judges but just be myself. I certainly did not cry at work. To me that would show weakness to mostly men in my profession. I guess we did pave the way for new generations to feel comfortable to show more emotion. I however would not feel comfortable today in doing so. One aside, not exactly on point, I have found that jurors do not respond well to a witness who cries. They feel it is suspicious and an attempt at garnishing sympathy.
Old habits die hard, don’t they, Annette. After a career’s worth of containing emotion (or trying to anyway) it’s tough to imagine letting tears flow freely. Interesting observation about jurors. I’d think they might be sympathetic to a tearful witness. But then there’s the “crocodile tears” trope… and a long history of viewing women as manipulative.
The double standard exists even with crying. When a man cries…he’s been pushed over the brink.
When a woman cries she’s…..”teary”/emotional/it’s that time of month.
The more we integrate the workplace…gender and race…the more emotionally balanced and well-rounded we become as a world.
But, no, I don’t cry at the workplace. I suck it up because I learned my lesson well…back in the olden day’s when women were new in the working environment.
It has served me well, however, as I now teach people how to hold their own state while getting their outcome.
It’s true, Karen. Every now and again I’ll see a sports star tear up, and I notice nobody ever calls those guys over-sensitive or too emotional. They seem to be admired for having a softer side!
It’s a valuable skill you’re sharing with your clients, choosing their own emotional state and staying in it as they accomplish their goals.